The Beginner’s A-Z of D.I.Y Subversion (Emasculate)

EMASCULATE    a) To castrate b) to deprive of strength or vigour; weaken.   Well, it would, wouldn’t it?  Emasculation is of limited use as a weapon for the DIY subversive, particularly the males, who are unlikely to have the stomach for it.  I am sure that most of us could make up a very long list of those who should have been emasculated – fathers mostly – before the damage was done.  If you truly believe that the man next door is about to spawn the devil’s child (although exactly how that might be possible, I’m not entirely certain) or a future politician, you may consider this a justifiable course of action.  I would urge you to consider the following: is defeating the anti-Christ really the role of a subversive?  Wouldn’t it be better left to someone with religious convictions¹?  Why not contact the local vicar and inform him / her of your suspicions?  It will certainly provide relief from the usual diet of ox-coveting and offer a subject for a sermon that almost certainly has not been covered by that other lot up the road.  If you are fortunate enough to have one of the keener vicars, they may even consider blessing the Stanley knife for you, although it is most unlikely that they will carry out the act themselves. 

You may be able to ‘accidentally’ disclose your suspicions to members of the WI in an ‘unguarded moment’, adding that the person you suspect is also single, has six children by six separate married women and almost certainly votes Labour – that should do it.  Never leave your address.

Unless heavily sedated, the victim is almost certain to put up significant resistance².  Even those rendered insensible by alcohol or drugs are likely to kick up a bit of a fuss when they realise what you are about to do with the knife, the bowl and the Marigolds.  Do you have sufficient equipment to restrain a desperate man?  Gaffer tape does not come cheap, and you can’t really trust the stuff you usually buy from Poundland, when it’s not even strong enough to hold the broken zip together on your trousers. 

Are you yourself strong enough to control a violent victim³?

Are you planning a single-hack emasculation or a total removal?  If you’re planning a full castration, you will probably need a really big box of plasters.

What will you do with the victim once the appendage has been removed?  You’ve watched a great many films – alone, of course – and you know all about staunching bleeding with the application of hot tar or by setting fire to gunpowder, but you can’t expect your victim just to shake your hand and wander off to pursue his hormone-lite life without a by-your-leave.  You could perhaps leave him in the care of an isolated order of Dominican monks – the kind that would kill him if he tried to escape or, failing that, you could remove his tongue.  He may even prefer that to the emasculation itself.  You are nothing if not compassionate – why not give him the choice?  

What will you do with the appendage once removed?  Do you have a cat?  Is he / she a fussy eater?  If your cat is likely to turn its nose up at this additional source of protein, try next door’s dog – anything that will eat three week-old fox poop is almost certain to relish a freshly severed member.  If you have gone for a total castration, you could leave it to dry for a few days before selling it to the hippy couple down the street as some kind of traditional African maraca.

1. Not, incidentally, convictions for holding religious convictions, which are all too easy to get in some of the world’s most ‘enlightened’ nations and may, indeed, lead to emasculation – probably with something blunt and rusty.
2. It may be wise to reconsider if he does not.
3. This is a rhetorical question and, as such, does not require an answer.  If you are the kind of pedant who, none-the-less, requires one, it is ‘No’.

© Colin McQueen 2024