BLINDFOLD                If you have ever played Pin the Tail on the Donkey, you will know that it is practically impossible to properly blindfold anybody, especially if they do not want to be blindfolded.  Placing a bag¹ over the victim’s head is generally more successful and easier to do.  If you must go for a blindfold avoid handkerchiefs, which are never big enough; silk scarves, which are never opaque enough, and pink fluffy elasticated eye-masks, which, in my opinion, are never tight enough.

1. It is generally worth investing a few pence on a cloth ‘Bag for Life’ rather than a supermarket plastic carrier, as, not only are they more environmentally friendly, they have less of a tendency to leave your abductee dead.

BLOOD                       It is my firm opinion that blood should be neither seen nor heard.  Spilling blood is never good.  If you feel the need to prove your commitment to the cause with the acquisition of a physical injury suffered in the pursuit of your principles, try to develop a blister or bloodless abrasion.  Pain is one thing, we all know the discomfort a paper-cut can cause, but bleeding to death is quite another.   Remember, blood on the external surfaces of the body is almost always a bad sign.

BOMB                         Explosive projectile.  Explosives, effective as they are, are expensive, difficult to obtain and apt to blow bits off the unwary – so why not avoid them altogether and pop an empty crisp packet instead?

BOURGEOIS                A person whose political, economic, and social opinions are believed to be determined mainly by concern for property values and conventional respectability.  The Bourgeoisie are held in contempt both by those who have no property and therefore no interest in its value, and also by those who determine just what exactly amounts to ‘conventional respectability’.  Heads you lose, tails you lose. This dichotomy was experienced most acutely during the French Revolution when the Bourgeoisie were reviled by both factions of the Gallic Class War.  To be honest, I don’t think they lost too much sleep over it.  ‘Here’s your options –  the nobility are going to treat you with contempt because of your petty concerns over conventional respectabilities, whilst the proletariat are going to hold you down on a block of wood so that Monsieur Guillotine’s latest invention¹ can permanently separate you from the full range of bodily functions – now, who are you going to support?’  The Bourgeois are currently known as The Conservative Party and, strangely, have a deep affection for over-priced French Red and pieds-a-terre² in Normandy.

1. Monsieur Guillotine did not actually invent, but rather improved, this instrument of capital punishment – formerly known as the Scottish Maiden (Demoiselle Ecossaise).  The guillotine replaced the previous method of execution in France, known as the Breaking Wheel (Rupture de la Roué) which was so barbaric that not even the French could stand it – and remember, this is the nation that dismembers frogs.

2. Literally ‘foot on the ground’ – because the kind of hovel that the French generally sell to the English will have mud floors, three walls and a roof that is fine as long as it doesn’t rain.

BREAK                       What you do to legs, arms etc.

BRICK                        What you do it with.

BUBO                         Pus-emitting swelling in groin or armpit.  See Policeman’s Boot (below).

BURGLARY                 The act of entering a building or other premises with the intent to commit theft.  Whilst this is not strictly an ethical act, it can be a highly efficient, if risky, method of raising funds, but then again, so can spending the day in a bath-full of baked beans.  As with all such endeavours, the primary objective is ‘don’t get caught’.  If you feel that this objective is not achievable, it is always advisable to pursue the secondary objective ‘persuade somebody else to do it for you’.

A TYPICAL D.I.Y BURGLARY – Walking along a quiet street, you notice an open window on the secluded side of a luxury, detached house.  You scale the fence and climb in through the window, using the wheelie bin as a step.  As you push your way through the open casement, the wheelie bin scoots away and demolishes the garden gate depositing week-old Indian take-away all over the drive way.  Stepping from the window ledge, you catch one foot in the sink and the other in a giant potted hibiscus, which crashes to the floor followed by a) the better half of a twelve-piece dinner service and b) you.  You attempt to clamber to your feet but find yourself staring into the glowering, yellow eyes of a giant, snarling bullmastiff.  You exit the window in one bound, smashing your shin painfully against the kitchen tap and your forehead against the window lintel.  Once outside you try to flee the scene, but slip on an extremely viscous Tarka Dahl and fall to the ground where you are immediately accosted by thirteen spitting feral cats and a postman with something brown and odorous on his shoe.

EXERCISE – Grow a beard:

• Do not shave for at least six weeks.
• Do you have a beard? (If the answer is ‘No’, you are a) a woman, b) a child, c) looking in the wrong place)
• If the answer is ‘Yes’, eat a soft-boiled egg.
• Try to look in the mirror without being repulsed by the aftermath.
• Shave it off.

© Colin McQueen 2026

BLACKMAIL       Money extorted by threat; hush money.  A simple and relatively inexpensive method of subversion, requiring the minimum of equipment:

1. A smart phone with camera and voice recorder or, at a push, a camera and a voice recorder.
2. An insight into the daily routines and habits of a notable public figure who is likely to do something disgusting enough to make him vulnerable.
3. A large thermos flask and a Tupperware box for your sandwiches.

Blackmail is definitely not the kind of thing that you can go rushing into willy-nilly.  Planning must be thorough, meticulous and written down in really big capital letters to avoid any confusion.

Take great care when identifying your victim:

1. He/she must be financially viable – there is little point in blackmailing someone who cannot pay.
2. Ensure that they are doing something that they shouldn’t be doing – paragons of virtue are notoriously difficult to blackmail.
3. Ensure that they care – you’ll get nowhere if your victim doesn’t give a toss what other people think about them.

In gathering the evidence you will require in order to execute your plot, you will almost certainly have to conceal yourself at some stage.  Take great care when selecting your hiding place: there are some wonderful places in which to secrete yourself, but they are of very little use to you if they are on the other side of town to the naughtiness. Try and find somewhere to hide in the room where the action is expected to take place.  Having decided on the wardrobe, ensure that the door can be opened from the inside – there is nothing worse than being trapped inside the closet whilst the action is taking place on the bed outside, particularly if the flash goes off.

Having leapt out of the wardrobe and captured an image of your victim(s) in flagrante, you must now face the biggest challenge of the whole operation – escape.  Plan, plan and triple plan your escape.  Have as many alternative escape routes arranged as possible and be aware that you will be attempting to negotiate them whilst lugging your out-of-shape frame along passages and alleyways at speeds far greater than furred-up arteries will appreciate, into a fire door that someone will, inevitably, have locked.

Should you manage to affect an escape, send a simple, straightforward blackmail note to your victim, informing him/her that you will turn the photographs over to husband/wife/police/avoid nausea, unless you receive £10,000 in used notes¹ before the end of the week.  Don’t be dissuaded from proceeding if, in the excitement of catching them ‘at it’, you got the angle all wrong and cut their heads off in the finished photograph.  There is often incriminating evidence to be found on photos of knees and ankles.

Arrange somewhere very unusual for the money to be left; get somebody else to collect it in case things go wrong and always count the cash before you post the evidence.  Do not simply count bundles – remember they may be a ‘sandwich’ of real notes filled with carefully cut newspaper.  Always be suspicious if they are carried in a suitcase and the carrier removes one bundle and flicks the corners in front of your face before closing the lid and handing it over.  Also, beware of other people in the vicinity carrying identical cases, particularly if they sidle up to you whilst you are waiting for the bus.

A TYPICAL D.I.Y BLACKMAIL PLOT – You are probably the last person this side of Alpha Centauri to discover that your boss is having an affair with his secretary.  Through astute investigation and by asking the cleaner, you discover the location of their weekend assignations, and fight your way into the wardrobe where you wait for the main event.  You are woken by the 37 other subversives scattered around the room firing off their Yasichas in deafening unison.  You leap to your feet, partially garrotting yourself on a pair of braces and take a brilliant flash photograph of the contents of your nose, which the local chemist over-develops.  On leaving the hotel, you trip on the stairs and snap the shutter release from your Kodak.

1. Personally I always prefer crisp, new ones, but the secondhand appears to be the preferred subversive note of choice.

© Colin McQueen 2026

BACTERIUM               Microscopic single-cell organism; a disease or germ.  The subversive’s brain.  Not to be confused with Bactrian, which is a camel with two humps on his back – similar to the shoulder/chip ratio of most subversives.

BALLISTA                   An ancient military engine for throwing stones or other missiles.  Now known as a child¹.  A ballista comprised a long wooden arm, tied back and weighted at one end before being released, hurling the missile from the other end over a considerable distance, causing a significant amount of discomfort to anyone unfortunate enough to be under it.  Considerable physical effort was required in pulling back and tying the wooden arm prior to its release.
A child is a soft, warm frenzy of snot and noise, generally smelling faintly of chocolate, which will happily throw anything you give it – as long as you ask it not to.

1. Whilst most right-thinking people would deplore the deployment of children in the furtherment of subversive activity – it would have to be considered almost reckless to ignore the opportunity when it is there.  Subversively speaking, little measures up to the explosive effect of a strategically placed baby in a full nappy.

BANG                         A loud, sudden, explosive noise.  Result of a gunshot, an explosion or a teenager leaving the room. 

BARBARITY                Brutal or inhuman conduct; cruelty.  ‘Brutality, Inhumanity and Cruelty’ appear to have taken over from ‘Liberté, Égalité et Fraternité’ as the basic principles of revolution in the twenty-first century.  Unfortunately, nothing has taken over from the principle of slaughtering those who oppose the ‘revolution¹’. 

1. In this instance, ‘revolution’ means ‘more of the same – and none of it good’.

BASTARD                   A person born of unmarried parents; an illegitimate child; a vicious, despicable, or thoroughly disliked person.  Oh, come on, this is the twenty first century.  There is no place in our society for blind, ignorant prejudice of this kind.  Ok, he’s vicious and despicable – it doesn’t necessarily make him a bad person does it?  Goodness knows, if most of us disowned everyone we know who fits this description, we would have no friends left. 
If the word has any power as a term of abuse, then its significance must surely have been seriously eroded with the news that more children are now born out of wedlock¹ than in it.  Perhaps, in the long term, it may become an accepted term of approval – maybe ‘legitimate’ will become an abusive term.  Think of it next time you whack your thumb with a hammer.

1. Very similar to ‘arm-lock’, but with longer-lasting consequences.

BASTINADO               Beating with a stick, especially on the soles of the feet.  A method of torture that is reputed to cause excruciating pain whilst leaving no mark – a little like a James Blunt concert.

BATTER (1)                 To beat persistently or hard.  Violence and subversion are often assumed to walk hand in hand – it is not necessarily so.  Many subversives are deep thinkers; much more inclined towards cerebral rather than physical methods of sedition – especially if facing an opponent with a small vocabulary and a large stick.

BATTER (2)                 A mixture of flour, milk or water, eggs, etc., beaten together for use in cookery; to coat with batter.  This is what politicians are really for – although subsequent deep-frying may be a step too far.

BAYONET                   A dagger-like steel weapon that is attached to or at the muzzle of a gun and used for stabbing or slashing in hand-to-hand combat.  If you’ve any sense at all, you will forget this weapon, it is messy and unpleasant and, most importantly, generally used in circumstances where there is a 50/50 chance of being on the receiving end.  If you are invited somewhere and asked to take a bayonet, go with a light bulb.

BEARD                       Facial hair.  Generally speaking, subversives wear false beards as an occasional form of disguise – unless, of course, they normally wear a real beard, in which case they shave them off as a disguise.  Either course of action is legitimate – as long as you are not ginger.

BEAT                          Strike repeatedly.  A sort of all-encompassing bastinado, generally giving extreme pleasure to at least one of those involved.

BEG                            What subversives do when they’ve been caught.

BICYCLE                     Two wheeled vehicle propelled by the rider.  A cheap and efficient method of getaway, particularly downhill.

BILBO                         A long iron bar or bolt with sliding shackles and a lock, formerly attached to the ankles of prisoners.  Be honest, it’s not what you thought it was, is it?  A modern adaptation of the Bilbo is the Electronic tag, which, whilst not actually physically manacling the prisoner, does make it extraordinarily difficult for him to wear novelty socks.

© Colin McQueen 2026

ACCUSED                   Person charged with crime or offence.  Try not to get accused of too much.  Being hounded by MI5 is all very well for a little while, but it soon becomes exceedingly tiresome.  Far better to be an accuser and accuse MI5 of hounding you, even if it’s not true – which, of course, it is not.

ACQUIESCE                To comply; to admit without interrogation.  Acquiescence is not encouraged in subversive circles unless, of course, it saves a lot trouble.  It can certainly spare you an enormous amount of pain during interrogation.  Admit everything: be remorseful; weep uncontrollably; call everybody sir.

AD NAUSEUM            Latin term to describe anything that has continued to the point of nausea.  E.g. Noel Edmonds.

ADZE                         A type of axe.  But a far more exclusive word.  Why be the 357^th Mad Axe Murderer, when you can be the first Mad Adze Murderer?  Exclusivity is the key¹.  Make the spelling clear to the newspapers and make sure that the handle is fixed good and tight.  There’s nothing worse than your adze-head flying off, mid-assassination and ruining the wallpaper.

1. Unless you’re trying to open a lock, in which case it’s probably a Yale.

AMBUSCADE              Ambush.  Conceal yourself in some bushes, wait for your victim to appear, leap out from your hiding-place yelling ‘This is an ambush – you’re surrounded’ and try not to look too embarrassed about the fact that you are alone. 

Surrounding a victim is not easy for the solo subversive.  You could try using mirrors, but beware – the reflections are indiscriminate.  A subversive friend of mine was reduced to a gibbering wreck when faced with the multifarious images of his victim staring out at him from the 17 strategically placed mirrors that he’d forgotten all about.

Be certain of your reasons for wanting to attempt an ambush.  Is kidnap the motive, or perhaps gang-violence?  Perhaps you are just not very good at making friends and this is the nearest you ever get to normal social interaction.  If the latter is true, you could always try to ambush a psychiatrist¹.  (N.B. You will find this impossible during the summer months, unless you live in the Caribbean.)

1. If you do decide to detain a psychiatrist in this fashion, ensure that you have enough cash to pay his bill.  Psychiatrists seldom accept cheques – nobody trusts a loony.

AMMUNITION            The painful, nasty bit that fits inside the weapon: the bullet in the gun; the pebble in the catapult; the lie in the politician.

ANARCHY                  Lack of government within a state; lawlessness; confusion.  Creating a state of anarchy is the penultimate aim of all subversion, because, only when this is achieved, can one move onto the ultimate aim of all subversion e.g. installing a government that represents all your own views¹.

In going about your legitimate subversive activities, you may be able to take the opportunity to accuse the government (or, more likely, the Parish Council) of ‘allowing a state of anarchy to exist’, which is both a damning indictment and the ideal springboard for your efforts to create such a state.  As in all matters, the wise subversive must be wary of public opinion.  The general perception of anarchy is not terribly good; it invariably receives a very bad press.  There is little that the solo subversive can do about this – good P.R. men² are very expensive.  If you are caught out and accused of being an anarchist yourself, try this argument – ‘In a truly Utopian State there would be no laws, as there would be no law-breakers.  Hence, the truly Ideal State would be an anarchistic one.  Just imagine that.  You may say that I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.  I hope someday you will join us and the world will live as one.’  If at all possible, attempt to end all public statements with a quote from John Lennon, but be prepared to paraphrase Salman Rushdie or Good Housekeeping in an emergency: it is unlikely to convince any but the terminally stupid, but might just work with a journalist.

1. Better still; install a government that is you.
2. Game of the Page – Spot The Oxymoron.

APATHY                    

ARSON                       Crime of intentionally setting fire to property or possessions.  Although burning things can be politically prudent, one has to accept that setting fire to the seat of our government is perhaps a little ambitious for the solo beginner.  Try burning unpaid bills.  Utility bills are a nice size in general and suitable for warming your hands by after you have been cut off.

ASSASSINATE             To kill by treacherous violence, especially for reward.  Don’t get involved in this sort of practice; it does not help your image.  If you feel that you really must rid yourself of a troublesome person, try sending them somewhere with a message and then changing all the locks before they return.  

HOMEWORK              Carefully plan an ambush: prepare maps, timetables, escape routes etc, and then think of 101 reasons why you should not go ahead with it.

© Colin McQueen 2026