Never Get Old

Of course, you need to do something after retirement don’t you?

Plan one was to make a list of all the things that needed doing around the house.  It was great fun and I fully enjoyed it.  I used a pen and some paper, walked around quite a lot and made notes.  I think that my wrist probably got a week’s exercise there and then.  Of course I knew that the paper could be recycled, so I was able to ‘file’ that afterwards, but I was less certain about the pen.  Fortunately it didn’t run out so I was saved the decision, which was good…

Plan two was to tighten all the screws in the house.  I knew from my list that I needed more than one screwdriver as I had seen screw heads of many different shapes, styles and sizes (sometimes all fixing the same shelf) and I was keen to ensure that all were catered for.  Eventually I decided that in practice a single chisel would actually do the trick for them all, and subsequently I moved around the house in a logical fashion tightening every screw I came across.  Whenever I encountered difficulty with a cross-head screw I was able – using the flat side of a spanner I had found – to hammer a slot head into it using the chisel which I then used to check for tightness.  My trusty tube of superglue (always in my pocket, because that’s where it leaked, frankly) proved essential each time I attempted to tighten the screws holding plastic light switches.  I have instructed my wife to always wear rubber-soled shoes when turning lights on.

A short rest took me through to Thursday afternoon the following week and plan three, when I decided to water the plants that are scattered about the house.  First task was to differentiate between those that were green at the top and those that were brown at the top and furry at the bottom.  I discovered that when I lifted the pots containing the latter variety, the top fell off at ground level.  I presume that this might be some kind of evolutionary defence against cruising herbivores.  Also, I now know where all the woodlice are coming from.  Irrespective of type, I decided to water them all in the same manner e.g. by pouring water into the top of the pot until it poured out of the bottom and fused the electric sockets.  Normally, of course, I would then have dried the power points with a hairdryer, but having no power I instead kept flicking the RCD until it stopped going bang.  I decided against tightening the screws on the fuse box as I have no life insurance.

I am very aware that the key to a healthy retirement is exercise, so (plan four) I decided to do some sit-ups.  I started by sitting up to watch three consecutive episodes of The Night Agent before, conscious that I might be over-doing it, I watched a further three laying down.  At this time I also performed a large number of burpees – I’m sorry, burps, I mean burps.  I regulated my hydration by drinking beer and wee-ing regularly, in the course of which I was often forced to walk several steps at a time.

Diet is, of course, an important factor in living a hale dotage.  I understand that it is important, for instance, that you do not eat too much chocolate, but I also know that you can never eat too much chocolate.  It is important to retain balance.

Furthermore, I recognise the importance of little steps to fitness and to that end I have refrained from changing the batteries in the TV remote which now needs quite a prolonged prodding before being effective.  Similarly I have located a very blunt fork which greatly increases the effort required to puncture the film on a ready meal.  I have moved the chair some two metres from the microwave.  I eat with a smaller spoon.

All in all I feel that I can now look forward to a long and healthy retirement full of life-enriching pastimes, healthy food, brain and body exercise and companionship – as soon as I have house-trained the woodlice.  I will not be standing still – unless I have a wall to lean on – but forging forward with the rest of my life in the knowledge that, although it is impossible to defeat ‘the fall’, it is possible to make a controlled descent.  Ultimately, we all encounter the same end, so we might as well enjoy the journey and pad up for the landing…

(Better take care)
Think I better go, better get a room
Better take care of me
(Again and again)
I think about this and I think about personal history… Never Get Old – Bowie