The Beginner’s A-Z of D.I.Y Subversion (Ear to Email)

In the hope that sufficient time has elapsed since the first few chapters of this little guide stirred up such remarkable apathy…

EAR                    The organ of hearing.  The external part of which can be removed with relative ease (compared, for instance, to little finger, thumb or nose) and sent to relatives in a jiffy bag.  Blood loss is minimal, as is the effect on auditory sensation, although earring wearing may become a bit of an issue and the amputee may have to address the problem of his spectacles constantly sliding diagonally across his face.

EARLY                Before the usual or appointed time; ahead of time.  It is a good idea to make it your business never to be early for anything, unless it has a free buffet.   

EARNINGS         Money earned; wages.  Well, I must admit, I was fairly unfamiliar with the verb to earn, but, according to my little dictionary I find that it means to ‘acquire through merit’.  Unfortunately, being equally unfamiliar with the word merit, I was forced to look that up as well.  Merit, apparently means, ‘claim to respect and praise’, which, I must admit is something I have never encountered in all my years of subversion. 

EAVESDROP       To listen secretly to a private conversation.  You might as well – you’re unlikely to ever have one of your own.

EDIFICATION     Morally or spiritually uplifting improvement or enlightenment.  The kind of thing that many Americans pay one third of their income for, only to discover that the humble man-of-God to whom they paid it, has emigrated to the Bahamas upon discovering that he has, apparently, misread the signs and turquoise, shell-suited Gods are actually extremely unlikely to descend to earth aboard a cigar-shaped silver craft on this, or indeed any other, Thursday teatime. 

EDUCATION      The process of imparting or acquiring knowledge or skill.  Well now, this is an impossibly huge and alien concept for the subversive, so I will tackle it in two parts:

                         a) Knowledge –

1. the sum of what is known.  So, what is known?  Well, that depends upon where you’re sitting, doesn’t it?  I once met a man who could recite pi to the thousandth place, but didn’t know how to tie his own shoelaces.  I know what I have tucked away in my belly-button, but I very much doubt that anyone else will want to.  Einstein was the most intelligent man who ever lived, but did he know how much fart-powder should be added to the tea urn at the women’s institute meeting on Thursday mornings to produce the most devastating effect?¹  A great deal of knowledge is totally surplus to requirements unless you aim to make a living out of winning pub-quizzes and, in fact, you will never win a pub quiz by knowing anything of any significance whatsoever. 
2. sexual intercourse (archaic).  Intriguingly, used in this context, the word is almost always accompanied by the word carnal, which, as we all know, means fleshy, which just goes to show why it’s no fun being a supermodel.

                         b) Skill – ability to perform a task, especially when acquired by training.  So, it stands to reason that if you have a particular skill, based upon many hours of practice and selfless devotion, possibly behind closed doors, you are per se ‘educated’.  Now we all understand why boys get such a particular education at public school don’t we?  That kind of skill would have got me a clipped ear as a boy, not to mention the threat of incipient warts and blindness.  But let’s face it, the fact that we can exhibit our education through the ability to pick our toenails at the dinner table is a great thing and an achievement that can only serve to narrow the class divide in our country.

1. The answer is almost certainly ‘Yes,’ isn’t it?  The man was a bona fide genius.  It is possible that he knew more than my mother.

EGO                   When your ‘girlfriend’ sighs ‘God, you’ve got a big one…’ this is what she is talking about.

ELECTION          Selection of a person or persons for office by vote.  Unless you are in an unusually democratic gang of one, this is highly unlikely ever to happen to you.  If you choose to try and follow this path, might I recommend local politics to you.  The turnout for local elections is traditionally below 40%, the winning candidate might be one of eight or nine¹, which, by my calculations, means that you can win an election with the support of substantially less than 5% of the electorate.  In certain rural constituencies, this might be bought with little more than a decent size bag of sheep-nuts.

1. Conservative, Labour, SDP, Green, Various Independents (including single issue candidates), Monster Raving Loonies, UKIP, Reform UK, EDL (First four listed in order of wealth and the rest in order of sanity).

EMAIL        Method of writing, sending and instantly regretting messages.

© Colin McQueen 2024