Five More Minutes in the Car

I’m fascinated by characters that slowly reveal themselves through nothing more than conversation.  These two people first appeared in Five Minutes in the Car back in July 2022.  I stumbled across them a few days ago and decided that I would like to revisit…

“…So, do you think it’s possible that Einstein could have been wrong about things?”
“What kind of things?”
“Well, he said that energy could neither be created nor destroyed didn’t he?”
“Possibly, yes.”
“So he can’t ever have seen you on a Saturday night.”
“Once, just once I fell to sleep during ‘Strictly’.”
“I mean, I look at you and I believe that energy can obviously be destroyed.  You are like a vigour shredder.  Someone has taken the second ‘o’ out of your oomph.”
“Omph?  I don’t understand.”
“Exactly… and if he claims that it can’t be created either, then where did it come from in the first place?”
“Weetabix?”
“It will be the Big Bang I suppose.  That’s the problem with Einstein: everything’s boils down to the Big Bang.”
“I remember I went with you to the cinema once to watch Fifty Shades of Gray.  That definitely sapped all of my energy.”
“Well, let’s be fair, most of it went over your head, didn’t it?”
“All I know is that if I approached your nipples with two giant paper clips, the reception would be less than welcoming.”
“You have a valid argument there.”
“Anyway, the point is, I went in full of energy and came out two hours later without even the will to live, so where did all the energy get to?”
“You chewed a lot of popcorn.”
“I yawned a lot.  I held my head in my hands…”
“I think that just illustrates what Einstein said doesn’t it?  Energy doesn’t disappear, it just changes.”
“Into acute embarrassment?”
“Well…  Look, we’re driving along now right, which uses a lot of energy.”
“Ok.”
“But that energy isn’t actually lost, it’s just changed.”
“Into what?”
“Well, overwhelmingly into tedium when I’m with you.”
“No, come on.  Be serious: I’m interested.  Energy drives the car along right, I get that.  So where does it get to after that?”
“It’s turned into friction.”
“Friction?”
“Yes friction.  It makes the tyres get warm.”
“…A bit of a waste isn’t it?”
“What?”
“All that energy just to make the tyres warm.  You could just do it with a hair dryer.”
“But that wouldn’t get us to the Supermarket.”
“My point entirely.”
“Look, if you rub two surfaces together, it takes energy doesn’t it?”
“Right.”
“But it creates friction.”
“Right.”
“And that…”
“… makes car tyres warm apparently…  Do you know, I think you might be right.”
“Do you?  I mean, you do?”
“Yes, I think that Einstein bloke was obviously an idiot.”
“Wow!  That’s going to rattle a few academic cages.  Let’s just take a minute here and discuss your evidence.”
“Well… O.K…  Right… Boiling the water to make a cup of tea on a Sunday afternoon; that uses a lot of energy doesn’t it?”
“According to British Gas it certainly does.”
“And when we drink the tea?”
“We watch a film and fall asleep.”
“Yes!  So, where has all that energy gone?”
“Into snoring, in your case… and farting.”
“Oh come on, that takes no effort at all.  Look, just suppose that we’re right and he got it all wrong about energy, he could be wrong about everything else as well.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know… Gravity!  What if he was wrong about gravity?”
“Well, I don’t think it was him that actually invented gravity.  Wasn’t that Isaac Newton: an apple on the head and all of that?  I suppose when you come to think about it, he could probably have sued someone…”
“Oh… Ok, not gravity.  So what else did Einstein actually come up with then?”
“The Theory of Relativity.”
“Like genes and all that?”
“No, like the Speed of Light.”
“What do you mean?”
“Einstein calculated the Speed of Light.”
“The Speed of Light?  Surely that would depend.”
“On what?”
“Well, whether it was fast light or slow light.”
“Is there such a thing?”
“Yes, of course.  The light on the front of an aeroplane goes much faster than that on the front of a bicycle.  It stands to reason.”
“Right.  I’m not sure that…”
“So did he say anything else then, Einstein, did he have any other great ideas?”
“Well, he said about the Big Bang, the origins of the Universe, all of that…”
“Right, so the Big Bang, I know about that.  Everything stated with one almighty explosion, is that what he said?”
“In principle, yes, I think so.”
“So where did the energy come from?”
“The energy?”
“To make the Big Bang.  Where did the energy come from?  There was nothing before it, right?  And according to him energy can neither be created nor destroyed, so where did it come from?”
“Well, it must always have been there I suppose.”
“Before the Big Bang?”
“Yes.”
“The same Big Bang that created everything?”
“…What’s your alternative?”
“I don’t know.  A Supreme Being?”
“God?”
“Possibly.”
“So what was there before God?”
“Nothing.”
“Must have been very boring for him.”
“How do you know it was a ‘him’?”
“How much sense does the Universe make to you?”
“It’s very complicated.”
“And serves very little purpose.”
“I see…  Anyway, I suppose he had a lot of time on his hands.”
“So he created energy?”
“Yes, obviously.”
“From what?”
“I don’t know… God stuff…”
“I see, so, just before we give Brian Cox a ring and explain that his whole life is a pathetic sham, what exactly is our position on Einstein’s Theory of relativity?”
“What?”
“You know, E=MC².”
“What does that even mean?”
“Well, ultimately it means that half a dozen egotistical old men have enough power at their fingertips to destroy the whole world a hundred times over.”
“Well, let’s hope that he was wrong about that as well then… Have you got any mints?…”

Probably a couple of things I should explain here.  In the UK British Gas also supplies electricity and there are two famous Brian Cox’s: one is a great actor and the other is a heart-throb astrophysicist – I don’t know which is which…