I decided that I should compose a list of all the things I would most like to be.  In the process, I had to consider all of the things I would most like not to be, and this person turned out to be a whole lot easier to define…

I do not want to be the person:

• …who walks into a newly decorated room and says, “You’ve missed a bit.”  These are the people who spot the single mis-placed comma in a ten thousand word document; who notice that the left channel of your stereo is playing through the right speaker; who write to Points of View*.  These are the people who cannot see the magnificent forest for the single less than splendid elder.  Who cannot forgive imperfection in anything or anyone (else).
• …who has “forgotten more than you will ever know.”  What is the point in that?  Knowledge is a great thing, but not when you’ve forgotten it.
• …whose phone always does something yours does not.  Who says “Give it here, I’ll show you.  I can’t believe you don’t know how to do it,” and then does it without showing you.  Who smirks while they’re doing it…
• …who always knows best.  Who is not prepared to even listen to your point of view because, obviously, it can’t be right as it doesn’t concur with their own.
• …who always knows a quicker way than the SatNav.  If there is no SatNav, they will wait until you are completely lost before saying, “Well, I wouldn’t have gone that way in the first place.”  Who has a car and a driving licence, but never drives.
• …who does exactly what he is told when the party host says, “Make yourself at home.”
• …who orders the most expensive thing on the menu simply because somebody else is paying.  “Well, I was thinking about a fish finger sandwich, but I suppose I could squeeze in a little Chateau Briand.  I’ll share your wine – you can buy a second bottle if we need it.  Pudding?  Oh, it would be rude not to…”
• …who always takes the kerbside seat on the bus.
• …who has been everywhere you really want to go – and didn’t like it.
• …who has met all of your heroes – and didn’t like them.
• …who never admits to knowing anything in case it means having to do something.  “Sorry, it’s been so long… one forgets so quickly… I think you might need someone with a stronger wrist.”
• …who always sits in front of me at the theatre.  He is very tall and the back of his neck is ugly.
• …who always makes an entrance.
• …who has a smile on his lips, but a cash register in his eyes.
• …who never sings duets.
• …who never sings at all unless he is certain somebody is listening.
• …who has to be the judge.
• …who has to be perfect…

Don’t forget to win first place
Don’t forget to keep that smile on your face… Perfect – Alanis Morrisette (Morrisette/Ballard)

*A UK TV programme to which people write in order to complain about TV programmes.