Photo by Green Chameleon on Unsplash

Dear Mr Ableworld

Just a short note to thank you for your most colourful and informative brochure, which dropped through my letter box today.  What a way to celebrate your 20th birthday!  It is especially gratifying to find that you have taken the time to have this missive pushed through my door when your time must be so fully consumed in being the ‘No1 Mobility Retailer in the UK’.  You are truly a dedicated philanthropist.  Furthermore, I cannot help but notice that you have been good enough to extend to me the offer of a ‘FREE, no obligation quote’ – I am truly moved by your generosity.  Your colourful communication is a joy to behold, and what variety I find in your carefully bespoke offers!

I had barely finished Googling ‘Nodular Ring Cushion’ when my eye fell upon the ‘Leisure Trolley’ which is cunningly designed to look just like the shopping bags on wheels (locally known as Biddy Bags) that those much older than myself were apt to take three quarters of an hour hauling onto the buses before Covid locked them into their homes.  Not, of course, that they would have such problems with this little beauty which has, I note, three wheels at either side in order to make curb, bus and ankle mounting far easier – also a convenient seat on which to perch whilst chatting with the driver and searching the purse for the last five pence coin required to complete the ticket purchase.  Perfect!

Your kind offer of ‘2 for 3 on incontinence products’ leaves me breathless with excitement.  Not, though, damp, which means, unfortunately, that I will be unable to avail myself of this deal with any effect.

But then, what joy, on the very next page.  My life has, to date, had a very large ‘Kettle Tipper’ shaped hole in it.  Does it by any chance come with some means of holding the kettle whilst I fill it and place it in the tipper?  If it does, you can definitely ‘count me in’ – especially as your ‘3 wheel walker’ comes complete with a removable tray, which is the ideal means of transporting my tea cup and a small plate of Nice biscuits from the kitchen to the sitting room.

As you know, having had your most esteemed communication personally delivered to my address, I live in a bungalow, but so generous is your stairlift offer that I am very tempted to have an upper floor fitted, simply so that I can avail myself of all of its multifarious benefits. 

And finally, dear Able, my eye falls upon your incredibly generous offer of a ‘FREE Slip-Over Scooter Bag with all Boot Scooters’.  Our good friend Google was again invaluable in educating me: a Boot Scooter goes in a car’s boot.  (Who’d have thought it?)  Almost certainly a necessary feature given that the maximum range of the starter model is 6 miles – allowing you to go just three miles from home without having to elicit a lift back for both yourself and the deadweight machine.  A sure-fire way to make new friends.  I must admit, I am torn: should I launch myself onto the superior stability of your fine Boot Scooter, or should I instead purchase an electrical armchair that can ditch me face first onto the carpet at the flick of a switch?

I plan to visit your local store on Wednesday of next week, when I very much look forward to meeting you in person, and availing myself of the 20% discount on non-slip slippers.

I am yours, sincerely…

13 thoughts on “R.S.V.P

  1. Dear Valued Old Cuss- Customer,
    We look forward to your your visit and do so look forward to tailoring our tried and tested products to your specious- specific needs. We do look forward to your further inputs. Not outputs, since you THINK you don’t require our San-Neat-Micturation products yet. Time, and the spotting on the toilet ring of our all too convenient ground floor conveniences, will tell. See you soon- just as soon you can make your way up the twisting tottering circular staircase to our sparkling showroom on level 13!
    Seriously good; a well carved-up satirical evisceration of DissAble. I’d say ‘slashing’ but, well…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’ll try and think up a suitably satirical reply but at present I’m struggling to stay awake. However, I’m assured that it is a condition of old age, and that I should be taking an afternoon nap rather than fighting against it. Anyway… It’s biscuit day tomorrow in our care home, so that’s something to look forward to at least…

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I had to look up Ableworld and then the rest kind of fell into place. When I got to boot scooters I naturally thought of Boot Scootin’ Boogie first. What would I do without Google?

    Liked by 1 person

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