In which I attempt to answer some of the questions asked by my grandchildren…
- Are Unicorns real? – “Yes, of course Unicorns are real. You would cry if I said ‘No’ wouldn’t you?” “Yes.” “Fine. Unicorns are real.”
- Are there monsters under the bed? – “That depends on whether you intend to tell nana about the big bowl of trifle you saw me with earlier today…”
- How do escalators work? – “A perfectly logical question to which, amazingly, I know the answer. Escalators are really just like a single band spinning around fixed points at the base and at the top.” “So the steps are underneath as well?” “Yes, they are.” “Why don’t the people fall off them?” “There are no people underneath them, everyone is on top.” “Even in Australia?” “Even in Australia.” “Maybe the people in Australia fall off the top…” I find this difficult to contest as I, myself, am not certain why the entire population Down Under is not prone to dizzy spells due to all the blood rushing to their heads. Also, if the water spins in the opposite direction before going down a plughole, does that mean that the bottom half of the world is spinning the other way? If that is so, how do ships ever cross the equator?
- Are there rainbows in space? – “I don’t think so. There has to be rain for there to be a rainbow and there’s no rain in space…” “But Unicorns need rainbows to run along.” “I see. And you would be very sad if the Unicorns (the existence of which I have just confirmed) did not have rainbows to run along? Yes, well, of course, I overlooked the fact that science knows nothing. Of course there are rainbows in space… Yes, and princesses in glittery cloaks…”
- Why is the sky blue? – “Because Mrs God wanted it to be a nice sunny yellow, but God found a job lot of (what later became) Sky Blue going cheap at the paint merchants and a man who was prepared to slap on a single coat for next to nothing.”
- Why have we stopped? – “Because all the cars ahead of us have stopped.” “Why?” “Because the traffic lights are red.” “Why?” “Because we have to let some other cars out.” “Why?” “Because it is their turn.” “Why?” “Because their traffic light is green.” “Why?” “Because that’s how traffic lights work.” “Why?” “To stop us all from crashing into one another.” “Why?” “Honestly, I don’t know. I wish really that I hadn’t bothered and just crashed into the car in front, impaling myself on the steering column and… Oh look, the lights are green, we can go now.” “Why?”
- Why do you grunt when you get out of the car? – “Because I am old and my muscles ache sometimes.” “Pigs grunt.” “Maybe their muscles ache too.”
- Why are you so old? – “Because I was born a long, long time ago.” “Before mummy was born?” “Yes, before mummy was born. I am her daddy.” “Are you daddy’s daddy too?” “No darling, we don’t live in Caistor*.” “What’s Caistor?” “It’s a place where people live.” “Like France?” “Almost exactly like France, yes.”
- When are you going to die? – “Not too soon I hope.” “Old people die don’t they?” “Well, yes, but I’m not going to die for a while. Don’t worry.” “Who will take me to school when you die?” “I hope you will be finished school before I die. I hope that you will be all grown up. Maybe you will have children yourself.” “Can I have a biscuit?” “Yes, you can have a biscuit.”
- Why? – “Because…”
*A local village, famous for it.
N.B. It wasn’t until I had finished this post that I realised I had used the title ‘Why?’ before, prompted, I think, by somebody who is no longer four-years old. That is why I have changed the title of this piece to ‘Why? Again’. If you wish to read the fiirst ‘Why?’, you can find it here…
I also find that I have previously used the image at the top of this piece in a previous post ‘Answers? Questions! Questions? Answers!’
Getting On 