Never Get Old

Of course, you need to do something after retirement don’t you?

Plan one was to make a list of all the things that needed doing around the house. It was great fun and I fully enjoyed it. I used a pen and some paper, walked around quite a lot and made notes. I think that my wrist probably got a week’s exercise there and then. Of course I knew that the paper could be recycled, so I was able to ‘file’ that afterwards, but I was less certain about the pen. Fortunately it didn’t run out so I was saved the decision, which was good…

Plan two was to tighten all the screws in the house. I knew from my list that I needed more than one screwdriver as I had seen screw heads of many different shapes, styles and sizes (sometimes all fixing the same shelf) and I was keen to ensure that all were catered for. Eventually I decided that in practice a single chisel would actually do the trick for them all, and subsequently I moved around the house in a logical fashion tightening every screw I came across. Whenever I encountered difficulty with a cross-head screw I was able – using the flat side of a spanner I had found – to hammer a slot head into it using the chisel which I then used to check for tightness. My trusty tube of superglue (always in my pocket, because that’s where it leaked, frankly) proved essential each time I attempted to tighten the screws holding plastic light switches. I have instructed my wife to always wear rubber-soled shoes when turning lights on.

A short rest took me through to Thursday afternoon the following week and plan three, when I decided to water the plants that are scattered about the house. First task was to differentiate between those that were green at the top and those that were brown at the top and furry at the bottom. I discovered that when I lifted the pots containing the latter variety, the top fell off at ground level. I presume that this might be some kind of evolutionary defence against cruising herbivores. Also, I now know where all the woodlice are coming from. Irrespective of type, I decided to water them all in the same manner e.g. by pouring water into the top of the pot until it poured out of the bottom and fused the electric sockets. Normally, of course, I would then have dried the power points with a hairdryer, but having no power I instead kept flicking the RCD until it stopped going bang. I decided against tightening the screws on the fuse box as I have no life insurance.

I am very aware that the key to a healthy retirement is exercise, so (plan four) I decided to do some sit-ups. I started by sitting up to watch three consecutive episodes of The Night Agent before, conscious that I might be over-doing it, I watched a further three laying down. At this time I also performed a large number of burpees – I’m sorry, burps, I mean burps. I regulated my hydration by drinking beer and wee-ing regularly, in the course of which I was often forced to walk several steps at a time.

Diet is, of course, an important factor in living a hale dotage. I understand that it is important, for instance, that you do not eat too much chocolate, but I also know that you can never eat too much chocolate. It is important to retain balance.

Furthermore, I recognise the importance of little steps to fitness and to that end I have refrained from changing the batteries in the TV remote which now needs quite a prolonged prodding before being effective. Similarly I have located a very blunt fork which greatly increases the effort required to puncture the film on a ready meal. I have moved the chair some two metres from the microwave. I eat with a smaller spoon.

All in all I feel that I can now look forward to a long and healthy retirement full of life-enriching pastimes, healthy food, brain and body exercise and companionship – as soon as I have house-trained the woodlice. I will not be standing still – unless I have a wall to lean on – but forging forward with the rest of my life in the knowledge that, although it is impossible to defeat ‘the fall’, it is possible to make a controlled descent. Ultimately, we all encounter the same end, so we might as well enjoy the journey and pad up for the landing…

(Better take care)
Think I better go, better get a room
Better take care of me
(Again and again)
I think about this and I think about personal history… Never Get Old – Bowie

The List Thing

Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash

I realise that this is not my usual fare, and so I have decided to publish it over two days. It’s written, what harm can it do? I don’t usually do The List Thing – if I’m honest, there aren’t many jokes in doing so, and those that there are tend to get nine very swift repeats – but a recent day-time diversion into the world of never-before-seen TV channels led me onto a treasured episode of a long-dead sit-com and I decided there and then, for no other reason than my tea was too hot to drink and the bin men had yet to tip the recycling all over the front drive, to make a list of my top ten British sit-coms of all time which very quickly blossomed into something approaching a Top 50, until I started watching some of them only to discover that the ‘attitudes of the day’ were so jarring that they loosened the fillings in my teeth. So the list quickly contracted down to accommodate only those that, if broadcast today, would not see the writers facing ten years in secure accomodation.

It is, I must admit, a very (e.g. totally) Brit-centric list because a) it is what I watch and b) I am just a teeny-weeny little bit ashamed to admit that I often don’t ‘get’ a lot of American Sit-Com’s. In truth, almost all of my American comedy loves – M*A*S*H, Taxi, The Odd Couple, The Mary Tyler-Moore Show, Rhoda, Bewitched (Come on, I was a boy!) – are pretty much the same vintage as me and whilst I do, like everybody else, occasionally find time in my life for the slick dialogue of Frazier, Friends and The Big Bang Theory, I miss the rough edges, the knocked-off corners and the heart of Brit-com. I’m sorry. I do realise just how few British readers I have, but I can only ask the rest of you to forgive me for this little transgression. If I can persuade you of nothing more than to find any of these little gems – most particularly, I suppose, the top three – I will be happy. If you hate them well, ‘nothing ventured…’ etc etc. Let me know about it. Try suggesting something to me (oh come now, that’s not necessary) I would be more than happy to hear of any shows, from wherever you are, that I should try. I will definitely attempt to do so.

In compiling my list, I decided to exclude what I would call the mega-hits¹: I do not intend to demean them, they were all brilliant, but there is so little to say about them, because everybody already knows it. Everyone has seen Del-Boy fall through the hatch a thousand times, everybody has seen Basil Fawlty goose-step around the dining room, everybody knows ‘Don’t tell him Pike!’ and if you don’t, well you could do much worse than look those up too. My list features more in the way of under-the-radar as well as one or two decidedly over-the-hill (which, hopefully, time has not treated so badly) and, if you haven’t previously encountered them, I can only suggest you try to. I’m pretty certain that anybody interested could find these little gems on YouTube (except, perhaps, in China or Russia where you will, I am sure, probably be able to find something educational instead – probably involving a tractor and a man in a fur hat waving a stoat) and I can only recommend giving them a go. Anyone with an ounce of tech-savvy can find them quickly and easily (simply ask the grandkids). As with all such lists, I think of something new by the minute, but as it stands, my current Top Ten will follow tomorrow, after a short commercial break, during which you can brew the tea, break out the Hobnobs and find the big tartan blanket for your knees…

¹For the record these mega-hits (on a UK scale) include (in no particular order) Dad’s Army, Porridge, Blackadder, The Vicar of Dibley, Absolutely Fabulous, The Royle Family, Last of the Summer Wine (younger viewers who saw only the later episodes will not recall how good this show once was), Steptoe and Son, Fawlty Towers, Gavin and Stacey, The Office (Ricky Gervais original), Extras, Only Fools and Horses, Steptoe and Son, The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, The Good Life (which, incidentally, had the greatest Christmas Special of all time – Fact) Open All Hours, Yes Minister and Some Mother’s Do Have ‘Em – although the list gets longer each time I think about it… I’m sure you can remind me of many I have missed which I can use in the future to make a new list, the ‘Not the Mega-Hits and not the Top Ten, but still better than anything that’s on today’ list…

The actual list will appear tomorrow.