I needed to report that our debit cards might be used abroad.  Mine was easy, but my wife’s card for the same account has a different number which does not appear on the online banking app, so I was forced to throw myself onto the mercies of the AI chatbot.  Kick off with the full facts I thought:
“I have just reported that I intend to use my debit card abroad.  It is a joint account, but my wife’s card number does not appear on the app.  How do I report that she will be away at the same time?”
“I’m not sure I understand.  Try rephrasing your question using a few key words.”  Exactly what, I wondered, were those few key words.“How do I report that an additional card holder will be abroad?”
“Ok.  Let’s have a look at removing somebody from your account.  1. Remove a current account owner.  2. Remove a savings account owner.  3. Remove a credit card owner.  4.Something else.”  Clearly the few key words I had chosen were not the few key words I needed.“Something else.”
“How can I help?”
“I want to report that an additional card holder will be abroad.”
“Try again.  Please type one of the listed options.”
“They are not appropriate.”
“Do you wish to continue?”
“No.”
“OK.  Let me know if I can help with anything else.”
“Yes.  I want to register a debit card for use abroad.”
“If you are travelling outside the EU please report travel here.”  ‘Here’ being a link back to where I started.
“I can’t because the card number does not appear on the app.”
“Did I answer your question?”
“No, you did not.”
“Thank you for your feedback.  Can I help with anything else?”
“Almost certainly not.”

I abandoned the ‘chat’ and decided to try the phone number instead which connected me to a different machine.  Before it would speak to me it wanted to register me for voice recognition.  It asked me to repeat the same phrase a number of times.  It was something like, “XXXXXXX Bank is the very best bank in the whole wide world and I love it more than life itself.”  (At this point I was reminded of an incident some years ago when my mother received a call from a plum-voiced ‘BT Technician’.  “We have had reports of problems on your line,” he said.  “In order to allow me to check the integrity of your connection could you please repeat this phrase after me: I cannot hold a hot potato in my hand.”  Very precisely my mum repeated the phrase “I cannot hold a hot potato in my hand.”  “Well shove it up your arse then!” shouted the voice from the other end, hanging up amongst gales of laughter.)  Anyway, after I had made approximately twelve attempts to sound like me, the machine finally decided to let me in.  “How can I help?”
“I have just reported that I intend to use my debit card abroad.  It is a joint account, but my wife’s card number does not appear on the app.  How do I report that she will be away at the same time?”
“You wish to remove somebody from your account?”
“No.”
“How can I help you?”
“I have just reported that I intend to use my debit card abroad.  It is a joint account, but my wife’s card number does not appear on the app.  How do I report that she will be away at the same time?”
“You wish to remove them from your account?”
“NO I DO NOT!”
“There are just a few steps to have this person removed from your account.  Would you like me to take you through them?”
“Noooooooo!!!!!!!”
Click.  Brrrrrrrrr…….

I returned to the on-line chatbot with an iron will.
“Hi.  I have just reported that I intend to use my debit card abroad.  It is a joint account, but my wife’s card number does not appear on the app.  How do I report that she will be away at the same time?”
“I’m not sure I understand.  Try rephrasing your question using a few key words.”
“How do I report that an additional card holder will be abroad?”
“Do you wish to remove someone from your account?”
“No, I wish to report that a debit card will be used abroad.”
“Do you wish to remove someone from your account?”
“No, I do not.  I wish to report that a debit card will be used abroad.”
“Thank you for your feedback – I think that I might need some help in getting you the right answer.  Would you like to ask the question again?”
“I have just reported that I intend to use my debit card abroad.  It is a joint account, but my wife’s card number does not appear on the app.  How do I report that she will be away at the same time?”
“A team member will reply as soon as possible…  As there are currently very high volumes of chats there may be a delay in answering your query.  In the meantime you can leave the app.  When you return the chat will still be here and you can continue at you convenience…”
I left the chat and returned about fifteen minutes later to find:  “I understand.  What is the card number you wish to register?…  As you are no longer online and you have not replied, this chat has been closed.”

Spitting the proverbial feathers I started a new ‘chat’, determined not to let it go.  I inputted all my answers word-for-word as the previous chat in order to avoid enraged swearing and then I waited… and waited… and waited, not daring to allow my eyes to drift from the screen, until finally what I presume was a human being picked up the chat.  They asked for the card number and, within seconds, said “That’s done.  Can I help with anything else?”
“Yes,” I typed “can you tell me how I can get half a day of my life back?”

Sometimes I’m invisible I’m nowhere to be seen
Kicked like a tin can into the shape of a man…  Circles Erratica – Colin Hay