
A few days off and nothing prepared, so another rifle through the archive. This ‘poem’ (I realise I am stretching a point here) has been in the file for blog posts since day one. I wrote it many years ago with the intention of reading it out in lieu of The Best Man’s speech at a wedding – hence the deliberately non-pc, ‘Carry On’ feel of the whole thing. Needless to say, I didn’t do it in the end – I am still talking to the groom, although not the bride, but then again, neither is he – but it only really works (really?) when read out aloud. Try it and see – but don’t blame me…
The story I relate today
Is of my uncle’s wedding day:
He married Jane, a last resort
From one to ten, a certain nought.
It was really quite a rushed affair
Some said he did it for a dare
Some said he was too young a lad
Some darkly hinted he was mad.
He hadn’t proposed and nor had she,
She’d just demanded “Marry me!”
And he accepted, voice quite calm
Despite the fact she’d broke his arm.
And he was not the greatest catch –
From athlete’s foot to thinning thatch –
A body that had missed its best
In nylon pants and grey string vest.
Still, time flew by, the church was booked
My brother thought “Well I’ll be blowed.
I never thought this day would come.”
And slyly drank a tot of rum.
As both the families settled down
All hats and frocks and coughs and frowns.
All hankies tucked down in the ruffles
To be brought out at the merest snuffle
And Aunty Jan gave Jim a boot
For laughing at the bridegroom’s suit.
Then all their eyes turned to the door
And Uncle slid down to the floor.
The organ played ‘Here Comes The Bride’
The groom had thoughts of suicide.
He turned to see his sweetheart, Jane,
And decided he was quite insane.
She shuffled gaily down the aisle
All bandy legs and grisly smile.
A flower in her matted hair –
The bridal gown from Mothercare.
The vicar looked down at his watch
And slyly took a slug of scotch
Whilst looking round the wooden pews
He hated what he had to do:
To tie with matrimonial knot
This woman and a stupid clot
Who looked as bright as a slurry pit
And smelled – he thought – of chicken manure.
“Dearly beloved” he began to say.
“We are gathered here today
To join in matrimonial bliss
This couple who will shortly kiss
To finalise their wedding vow:
A lifetime’s oath – at least for now –
To be co-joined for ever more.”
The vicar stared down at the floor.
And closed his eyes, the slightest pause
To let someone find rightful cause
Why they should never be permitted
To ever let their genes be knitted.
The congregation then all rose
And aunty May crushed Ivan’s toes.
So Ivan, in retaliation,
Ripped apart her pink carnation.
“You swine!” she yelled and kicked him hard
Where he would least like to be scarred
And falling down he screamed in pain
As she kicked him very hard again.
“Don’t scream at me,” she said. “Take that!”
And hit him with a prayer mat.
“Now let us pray,” the vicar said
As Aunty May kicked Ivan’s head.
“You make me sick,” Aunt Daisy spat.
“You shouldn’t hurt the man like that.”
Aunt May said “Just you keep it out.”
And hit her with a hefty clout.
Then Daisy cried out, “Well I never.”
And hit back with a rolled umbrella.
So Aunty May, with temper flared,
Ripped out a chunk of Daisy’s hair.
The vicar now was in a panic;
The going’s-on were quite satanic.
“Love your neighbours, please,” he cried
And turned in terror to the bride.
He quickly grabbed the couples’ hands
And asked them both if they would stand.
The preacher, frightened for his life,
Pronounced that they were man and wife.
The organist, in state of shock,
Played madly to the gathered flock.
The choir sang a verse or two
While hiding down behind a pew
And as the punches flew each side
The bridegroom leaned to kiss the bride
But tripped and ripped her wedding gown
And pulled her Marks & Spencer’s down.
The vicar, having taken oaths
Was shocked to see her without clothes.
The verger, made of sterner stuff
Stared at this vision in the buff.
The bridegroom saw what he was taking
And all at once he started shaking.
He looked at her in consternation
And dreaded the thought of consummation.
Still, that was that, his fate was sealed
As in the tower the church bells pealed.
They walked outside into the air
And a pigeon dropped one in his hair.
His face turned up towards the sky
And it dropped another in his eye.
“You wait!” he yelled, his voice was strained
As pigeons flapped and droppings rained.
The photographer, a redundant hosier
Had once been arrested for over-expos-i-er
But now he stood and shook his head
“Come on now boys and girls,” he said
And Uncle Jim gave his biggest smile,
Which baffled everyone for a while
‘Cos he’d put his teeth in back to front
He looked a sight, the silly fool.
The cameras flashed and so did Jane
And Uncle swallowed hard again.
Then all was done, confetti gone
The pigeon dropped another one.
The couple climbed into the car
And sped towards the local bar
Where the party raged in all its glory,
But that I’m afraid is another story…
…which I also have on file, so behave, or I may publish that as well!







