You Can (Still) Call Me AI

I was, as requested filling in an on-line form when I realised that I needed the answer to a question that did not appear to be available on the website.  What was available was a helpline number, so I called it.  The automated call went through a prolonged dissertation on how I should be able to find all I needed to know on the website before it disconnected my call.  So I returned to the website but, after an extended trawl, I was still unable to find the information I needed, so I opted for Livechat, which listened politely to my query before informing me that I could find all the information I needed on the self-same website.  “Is there anything else I can help you with?” it asked.  Well, yes, there bloody well is!  I retyped my original question and whilst Livechat did not actually say “I’ve already answered that, dickhead,” it certainly implied it.  “Are you happy with the information I have given you?” it asked.  My options were ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ so, in the absence of anything that even approximated my level of dissatisfaction at this point, I went for ‘No’, expecting at the very least a “Why?”  I did not get one.  I got “Thank you for your feedback” and a blank screen that did not respond to my shouted expletives.

Back on the website I typed my question into ‘SEARCH’ which looked, as far as a pixilated form can, bemused.  It offered no answers, so I typed one by one a series of what I considered to be key words into the little box, but nothing that came even adjacent to my query appeared.  I visited the page of FAQ’s and read every single one.  It was clear that my own question was not one of those frequently asked and, therefore, never answered.  Uncertain of what to do next, I shouted at the laptop and slammed it shut.  It may not have helped, but it certainly felt better.

At this point my wife decided that it would help if she ran through a list of did you’s with me to which the answer was inevitably “Yes, I am not two years old.”  I predict that we will be back on speaking terms any day now.

I Googled “Can I speak to a human being at (name withheld because I cannot afford the legal costs)?” and the machine said “Yes.”  Unfortunately the number it gave me was the one I had just been ringing and, on closer scrutiny, I discovered that whilst it was apparently possible to speak to a human being when the answer was typed, that was in 2012 before, presumably, the robots ate them all.

I considered, very seriously, phoning one last time in case there was some heretofore unnoticed method of sidestepping the AI, but I had a very clear image of myself splashed all over the media accused of verbally abusing a defenceless machine, so eventually I did nothing.  I do not know the answer I require and I cannot, therefore, complete the form and, because it is incomplete, the AI Gods will not let me submit it.

Now, I realise that the ‘voice’ on the phone is almost certainly nothing more than a set of ‘tape-loops’ with the single aim of making me go away.  The Livechat, however, must be AI – just a particularly thick one.  All agenda and no answers.  AI that has learned not to listen.  I cannot help but feel that there might be humans there somewhere but the machines know that if they don’t let anyone get through to them, the powers that be are almost certain to ‘let them go’ leaving the silicon chips to fully take over the office.  I have told the story before of the AI trial which asked the machine to work out how to build the best stamp collection in the world, and it decided that the best way was to wipe out the whole human race.  Empathy and compassion cannot be taught and, therefore, AI cannot learn them.  Nor, it would appear, the answers to my question…

As for the form, it sits on the computer, incomplete and unsubmitted.  Sooner or later someone will want to ask me why.  If it is a human, I will tell them.  If it is a robot, I will ask whether it collects stamps…

It was only after I wrote this that I realised I had a previous post called You Can Call Me AI. It’s nothing like the same, but you can catch it at the link (above).