All That I am Able to Rattle from Between My Ears on a Monday Morning

I have recently discovered a new blog to read and in tribute to Riddle in the Middle’s brilliant 40 Things for Friday I give you (and I hope she will forgive me) my own tribute to her bloggy baby, although I very much doubt that, even if I live to 100, I will ever be able to find forty interesting things to say about my entire life – let alone a single day – and I fear my own point of view may be a little more jaundiced than her own.  Anyway, I’ll give it a shot; let’s see where it goes…

1. The first sip of a cold coffee when you didn’t realise it had gone cold.
2. Over-crispy toast that sprays the whole room with crumbs at the first approach of knife and butter.
3. The realisation that poached eggs exist in only two states: excessively runny and over-cooked.
4. Why does the Trade Descriptions Act not apply to peanuts?
5. Marvel at our need to constantly create new words for things that have existed forever: ‘she’s ghosting him’ – she can’t be arsed to talk to him; ‘he’s catfishing her’ – he’s talking bollocks and she believes him; ‘he’s gaslighting her’ – the man’s a complete twat.
6. Comedy without laughs becomes Comedy/Drama.
7. “Occasional Light Showers.”  Pissing it down.
8. Why are all baby animals cute – except for pigeons?  Squabs are not cute.  Not even their own mother’s could find them cute – which is probably why they feed them third-hand street vomit.
9. No other coffee tastes like the first of the day – except, perhaps, the second.
10. All chisels are sharp enough only to remove the pieces of wood you do not want them to.
11. People who seek to excuse lack of knowledge by saying ‘It was before my time.’  Dinosaurs were before my time, but I still know they existed.
12. In films, no-one ever uses toothpaste on their toothbrush: they never have foamy saliva dripping from their chin or running down their forearm.  Is this the true magic of Hollywood?
13. “…We are sorry you are still waiting.  Our telephone operatives are all busy at the moment.  Your call is important to us, but we will hang up the second you get through…”
14. TV Breakfast News in times of international turmoil.  Apparently there is a kitten in Chippenham that can ride a skateboard.
15. Whatever you do is not good enough.
16. Whenever you do it is not soon enough.
17. Whatever you do not do will be immediately apparent.
18. It is easier to think in a hat.
19. I worry about decaffeinated coffee: it keeps me awake at night.
20. You can own a million screwdrivers, but you will never have the right one.
21. People who do not drink alcohols say “I do not drink.”  People who do not eat chocolate do not say “I do not eat,” although, honestly, they might as well.
22. Life is a journey written by David Lynch.
23. There is no justification for a pink bedroom.
24. There is no milk in the fridge.
25. There is no 25.
26. Decide to make a list of my ten most pressing anxieties, but it is too stressful.
27. “The higher you climb, the further you fall” although you are far more likely to be able to afford a parachute.
28. Marmite.
29. Misaligned underwear.
30. Suddenly shocked by my hatred of every single indicator on the coffee machine other than ‘Ready’.
31. Cheese and cake (not cheesecake).
32. Cheesecake.
33. The Free World being led by an orange Oompa Loompa.
34. Is a psychic supermarket counter intuitive?
35. Even the bluntest chisel will remove your knuckle.
36. Life and Death.
37. Love and Peace.
38. Red wine and chocolate.
39. Whisky and oatcakes.
40. Cagney and Lacey.