The Beginner’s A-Z of D.I.Y Subversion (Face to Flench)

The two parts of my A-Z (literally the ‘F’ in dictionary) with which I intend to fill the next two Sundays are not repeats, but they have been awaiting publication so long that they feel like it… 

FACE                  The majority of subversives have at least two of these.  Most politicians would commit the country to war rather than lose one.

FACT                 Thing that is known to be true.  Don’t worry, you won’t encounter many of these, and those that you do are likely to be Governmental Facts and therefore ‘unverifiable’.  Unverifiable facts are also known as Lies – you will encounter many of these.   The author Mark Twain quoted Benjamin Disraeli as originating the phrase ‘Lies, damn lies and statistics’ to describe the persuasive power of erroneously employed figures in informing opinion¹.  I would like to propose my own alternative: lies, damn lies and facts.  The practicing subversive will have a million ‘facts’ at his disposal, any of which can be used to back up his particular version of the truth.  Facts merely have to be believed to be true.  The more facts you can cram into an argument, the stronger your case will be, and the greater your chances of conning cash out of someone.

1. Opportunely, for me, he got the attribution wrong – unless he was just lying.

FACULTY           An inherent mental or physical power – Don’t worry.  If you are intent on following your current path, you will not need (and almost certainly will not have) any of these.

FAIL                   Be unsuccessful in achieving one’s goal – If your goal is a grandiose one – world domination for example – it is probably best to remember that many before you have shared this simple ambition and, to date, none have achieved it.  Some have come close viz. Genghis Khan, Adolf Hitler, The Emperor Ming, but ultimately, they have all met a (thankfully) sticky end.  If you are honest, they are not people with whom even you would want to be compared – especially unfavourably.  Others have tried to rule the world through rather more subtle means, viz. Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, but we all know that it is also unlikely to end well for them: they will go mad (at least one of them is already half-way there) miscalculate the public mood or (the cardinal sin in the UK) simply get too big for their own boots.  They will not come to their death beds as ‘Ruler of the World’.  Indeed, if history teaches us anything, they may be lucky to own their own underwear¹.
If your ambitions are rather more modest: to seriously annoy a politician, to convince the local bobby that you are actually building a time machine in your garage and not an illicit still, to teach next-door’s big ginger Tom that it is much more fun to shit in his own garden², then you stand a greater chance of success although, if we’re all being honest here, failure remains the far more likely outcome.  Learn to embrace failure: it is the subversive’s only true route to contentment.

1. Unless, of course, it is tax-deductable.
2. World-wide, cats do not shit in their own gardens – they shit in mine.

FAINT                To suddenly become unconscious for a short time – What you will do whenever you find yourself in a sticky situation from which you cannot run away.  The longer you can maintain the subterfuge, the greater your chances of escape.  Stop immediately if a man in a black suit and a cravat starts measuring you up and pulling out samples of satin linings.

FAIT ACCOMPLI Something that has already happened or been done and cannot be changed – The ill-advised tattoo from the dyslexic tattooist; the holding cell at the police station given your name following one-too-many ill-judged, smart-arse comments about the policeman you considered to be less intellectually acute than yourself¹; general ostracisation, these things were always going to happen.  If they haven’t, they will.  There is no point in fighting it.  All you can do is whine a little – mind you, come to think of it, all you ever do is whine a little.

FALSE                 Not real, but made to look or seem real – The number plates on your car, the meter readings you send to the electricity board, the money in your wallet, the stories you tell, the credit you demand, whatever you claim as true…

FAME                 The state of being known or recognized – This is not as alluring as it sounds when all the people who know or recognize you are either police constables, or shop-owners who won’t let you in as a consequence.  You are unlikely to ever walk the red carpet, unless they’ve just had the stairs done at the Magistrate’s Court.

FARCE                A situation that is very badly organized – See ‘LIFE’ (below)

FAUX PAS           Words or actions that are socially unacceptable or impolite – Faux Pas is almost a language to you.  You will do little that is socially acceptable – particularly if you have a spouse – and as for impolite, just ask the barman that served you the cloudy pint that time.  Social revolution can never be socially acceptable because it has such terrible manners, breaks wind and jumps queues.  As a subversive you will commit many faux pas, don’t worry about it too much – at least it means you’re in company.

FEEBLE               Weak and without energy, strength or power – So there you are, a word invented just for you.  Even your excuses are feeble.  If your parents had any notion of how you were going to turn out, they would have given it to you as a middle name.

FEET                   Plural of FOOT – Always the best way to find them.  If you have a deficiency in this department, your getaways are likely to be seriously compromised¹.  You could become an Evil Mastermind – they don’t seem to move around much² – but, as most practical subversives appear to spend most of their lives running away from something or other, I can only suggest limiting your activities to those centred about the similarly pedically³ diminished.  Alternatively, buy a scooter and ask somebody to push you.

1. The first thing to check is that you are not merely sitting on the other one.
2. Although you may need to buy a cat.
3. I appear to have made that word up.  I will claim it as my own only if there is money in it.

FELLOW             Used to refer to someone who has the same job or interests as you, or is in the same situation as you – Thus, a word you will never use (See ‘FRIEND’ below).

FLAW                 A fault, mistake or weakness – Where to start?  Unlike friends, you will have many of these: some of them major (See ‘PERSONALITY’ below) and some of them minor (Your tendency to annoy everybody you ever meet.) 

FLEA                  Bloodsucking insect – Similar to a leech, but with legs.  You will be compared to this little parasite often (seldom favourably).  Don’t take it to heart¹.  Even fleas have friends – although you wouldn’t necessarily want to meet them.

1. I have no idea why you would not, but I do know that if you do, you will spend a huge portion of your life feeling miserable.

FLEE                   Run away – Adrenalin is the master of the Fight or Flight Response.  For you, it is only semi-effective.  I have not included ‘FIGHT’ in this dictionary as I realise that it might upset you.  If anybody ever suggests fighting for your rights, be happy to concede that you do not have, nor desire any.  Rights come with responsibilities, another word I have chosen to omit.

FLENCH             To strip skin or fat from a carcass – I have included this only because it is the best sounding word I have ever heard, and I hereby start a petition to have it given a new definition so that I can use it more often.

© Colin McQueen 2024