Can’t Stop the Spring

It is springtime in the Northern Hemisphere: bulbs burst, animals cavort and Michaela Strachan reduces the Tog rating on her thermal underwear.  Each year hundreds of species become extinct, but evolution dictates that others must appear.  I wondered what new Flora and Fauna might be discovered in 2024 and I took a look through my own back window to see what I might see…

The Pygmy ‘Unicorn’ Shrew*
The male of this tiny little species, measuring less than two inches from tip of tail to end of nose and weighing less than the average corn plaster (used), has a retractable horn, some six inches in length, concealed within its forehead.  Biologists are unsure of where it retracts to, but have noted a ‘between poos’ interval unrivalled in the rodent world, and a tendency to wince when sitting.  The actual purpose of the appendage is likewise uncertain: once the horn is unsheathed the shrew is unable to move forward without burrowing into the ground.  Mating rituals, food gathering and territorial battles have all been suggested, but its most likely use is in ‘showing off’.  The flow of blood required to allow neck support for such an appendage means that it is only deracinated on rare occasions, usually marked by the death of the wielder.  Ironically, the males with the largest protuberances are widely ignored by the females who fear that they will never be able to buy a hat to fit.

The Dandy Frog  
In the spring when most male frogs are apt to latch onto anything that looks even remotely warty and the females decide to spend a couple of weeks under the shed with their mother, this little fellow simply opts to sit on a lily pad smoking a small cheroot and polishing his webbing, where he remains until all of the other males have hopped off for a bit of a lie-down and the females have all spawned.  At this point our little anura re-enters the water and happily passes away the summer months in the company of the female frogs who value his haphephobia and often bring him flies in appreciation.  It is not known how this species endures as little contact appears to take place between males and females and biologists believe that mating may take place as little as once-in-a-lifetime when the male is drunk and the female’s best friend has just eloped with a massive cane frog whose croak is probably discernible on the moon.  Whilst not thought to be poisonous, the male is prone to waspishness.

The Old English House Mouse
Is happy to share space with all other species – providing they are Old English House Mice (OEHM).  It does not appear to have particular territorial issues with other species, providing that they stay where they belong and do not look as though they might impregnate innocent OEHM females.  Ironically, this species, although pernicious, is easily cleared from most premises by introducing a colony of Dandy Frogs.  Sub-species are found in almost all countries of the world and are taxonomically similar, but react very differently to garlic and spicy food.

The Ikea Finch
Ikea Finch couples mate for life – or until either one of them discovers that the worms are bigger on the other side of the fence.  The Ikea female is happy to re-use an old nest – particularly if it requires extensive restoration – but insists that the entire inside is re-dressed every season.  Male Ikeas have been known to deliberately fly into windows rather than relay the moss yet again.

The Musk Slug
Identified by the bright ‘X’ on its chest this invertebrate is best known for hiding under rocks and denying responsibility for anything bad.  Relies heavily on AI and consequently seldom knows where it is.  May wear a toupee woven from the pubic hair of butterflies.  Little is known about mating habits other than they are chaotic and profligate.  Feeds on leaves that cannot be used by other slugs.  Also known as The Balloon Slug as it is full of hot air.

The Kim Jong Un Fly
Critically endangered owing to its inability to integrate with the rest of nature, probably due to its failure to remove its head from its own arse.  May eventually self-destruct.  Could take everyone else with it.

The Conservative Toadstool
Expends so much of its energy attempting to render conditions unsuitable for other ceps that it fails to develop itself.

The Labour Toadstool
Expends so much of its energy complaining about the behaviour of the Conservative Toadstool that it fails to develop itself.

The Green Toadstool
Habitually fails to develop itself.

The Reform UK Toadstool
Actually a banana

Please don’t ask where that lot came from because I really don’t know…

*I actually did see this little fellow in a dream.  I am taking counselling.

You can crush the flowers
But you can’t stop the spring
No matter what you say…  Can’t Stop the Spring – Flaming Lips (Ivins, English, Coyne)