Come*

Anyone of my age will remember the premise of the film ‘When Harry Met Sally’: that men and women can never be true friends: eg close, but no cigar.  The fundamental argument is, I think, that men sine qua non are always trying to work out how they can get the woman into bed (other combinations are available).

It’s generally true that men and women do view friendships differently.  I have ‘friends’ that I met at school and have not seen in five decades, but I know that if I were to meet them again tomorrow, we would remain friends.  Male friendship is shallow, but long-lasting and by-and-large unaffected by what happens between the two of you.  Female friendship is much deeper, but requires a good deal more husbandry.  Without careful nurturing it may die.  A fallout between men can be healed within minutes with a quick game of squash, cards, arm wrestling or competitive drinking, with women the healing process is much more complex and usually involves addressing the fundamental issue – something that men will never do.  It is almost certainly true that, in terms of friendship, it would be better if we could all cease to identify as a specific gender.

I have always had lots of female friends, many of them way out of my league.  Most of them, it must be said, far more likely to have a second slice of cake in a coffee shop than an orgasm (although, thinking about it, it may well be the same thing).  If I had harboured ulterior motives I most certainly would very quickly have been advised of the undesirability of pursuing them.  I learned quickly that I am a good friend – and pretty shite at most other things.

Friendship does take on an increased importance as you get older.  Many of your existing friends will have pre-deceased you.  Short of still being alive, you may have little in common with new friends, but you may come to increasingly rely on their friendship – and they yours.  We all need someone to notice when the curtains have not been opened.  We all need someone to bring the milk in now and then.

When you are in a long-term relationship you deliberately push all thoughts of being alone into the very back of your mind, but you know that, short of a plane crash, it is likely to lie in the future for one of you.  You might think, ‘Ah well, I’ll be able to have chocolate for breakfast whenever I want it’, but you know that, in general, it is not going to be a good thing.

I don’t think that sexual attraction becomes any less of a thing as you get older, what changes is the conviction that even under ideal circumstances, you are capable of doing anything at all about it.  Tea and cake becomes the overwhelming favourite.  Someone to talk to, to share time with, becomes what it is all about.  Human beings are not designed to be solitary – except, perhaps, in bed after a curry – we crave company.  We want a part, however small, in the life of others.

In the end, we all want whatever it is that she’s having…

*Bear with me.  It’s in there somewhere, work it out for yourself.

Think of me sweet darling when everything’s going bad
Think of me sweet darling every time you’re feeling sad
Think of me sweet darling every time you don’t come…  Come – Fleetwood Mac (Buckingham/Heywood)