Social Conscience (2)

1.  INT.  A RUN-DOWN HARDWARE SHOP.

BEHIND THE COUNTER, THE MAN IN THE CARPET SLIPPERS AND ANGELA RAYNOR T-SHIRT (LET’S CALL HIM KEIR) IS WEARING A BROWN SHOPCOAT AND PLASTIC BAGS OVER HIS SLIPPERS.  THE SHINY-SUITED SVELTE MAN (LET’S CALL HIM RISHI) ENTERS.

RISHI:        Good morning.  I would like to purchase some double glazing please.

KEIR:         Mmm, I don’t think we have that.  Perhaps I’d be able to interest you in our latest scheme whereby you pay for double-glazing, but we actually cover all relevant orifices with insulation-grade chipboard and donate the money to charity instead.

RISHI:        I’m sorry, I don’t understand.

KEIR:         You can choose the charity yourself, of course… within limits.  The Labour Party has always (well, mostly) been a particular favourite of mine.

RISHI:        I just wanted some new windows.  The sign outside says that you sell double glazing.  Replacement windows, that’s what I want.

KEIR:         Oooh, want, want, want.  Me, me, me.  What’s the matter with you, have you never encountered the principal of redistribution of wealth?  Have you never heard of charity?  Have you never heard of compassion?  Have you ever met my colleague, Emily?

EMILY THORNBERRY LOOMS INTO VIEW.  SHE IS VERY VERY CROSS INDEED.  SHE HAS THE KIND OF GLINT IN HER EYE THAT SUGGESTS THAT THE AFTERNOON MUFFINS MAY WELL NOT BE COMPLETELY TO YOUR LIKING.  SHE IS CARRYING AN AXE.

KEIR:         Emily is our family planning expert.  I hope you weren’t planning on having one.

RISHI:        Well, perhaps ‘planning’ is not the best of words.  I mean I wasn’t planning on having any more….. that is…..

EMILY APPROACHES

RISHI:        I wonder, do you sell loft insulation?

KEIR:         Certainly sir, would you like our optional ‘Give a home to one of our under-privileged comrades’ scheme?  Perhaps you would like to buy some shares in the NHS?  Maybe you would like to lead the whole country in ‘The Locomotion’ (if you can get ASLEF back on board)?

RISHI SHAKES HIS HEAD.  EMILY MOVES NEARER.

RISHI:        I will not be deflected.  That is, yes please.

KEIR:         Good, now all you have to do is sign here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  And here…

EMILY LOOMS OVER RISHI AS HE IS MADE TO SIGN SEVERAL REAMS OF PAPER.  WHEN HE IS FINISHED SHE PICKS UP THE PAPERS AND KEIR GIVES RISHI HIS MARCHING ORDERS, A VOUCHER ENTITLING HIM TO A HALF PRICE FISH SUPPER AT THE HOMELESS SHELTER OF HIS CHOICE AND A PEERAGE IN HIS OWN RESIGNATION HONOURS LIST.

RISHI:        Hang on a minute.  What about your promises?  You know how keen I am on keeping promises.  Do I get my loft insulation?

KEIR:         No.

RISHI:        I thought not.  So what do I get then, six months subscription to the RSPB, a souvenir pencil embossed with the (theoretical) Sunak coat of arms, a three month supply of Spam and a virus scanner that will have my laptop speaking Cantonese before I can even think about hitting ctrl-alt-delete?

KEIR:         No.

RISHI:        Have I adopted a Bengal tiger, a pangolin, a retired three-legged regimental goat, a middle-aged rock star with a more tenuous grip on reality than David Icke’s dresser?

KEIR:         No

RISHI:        Not Liz Truss again!

KEIR SHAKES HIS HEAD

RISHI (cont.):      Well, what the hell have I signed up for then?

KEIR PLACES A LARGE CARDBOARD BOX ON THE COUNTER.

KEIR:         There we are sir, one Social Conscience Starter Pack, including a free red nose, a plastic halo with built-in flashing LED’s and an ‘I give to charity – do not pass’ car sticker.

HE PASSES THE BOX TO RISHI, WHO, WITH A RESIGNED SHRUG, TURNS TO LEAVE.

KEIR:         Oh, by the way.  Emily has eaten all the chocolate…

I think that you might have worked out who Rishi and Keir are (those of you with robust constitutions may even wish to Google Emily Thornberry – although I couldn’t, in all honesty, recommend it) and you may well, quite rightly, think that the last two posts have no specific relevance to you, but just try substituting those names with Don & Joe, Tony & Pete, Chris H & Chris L, Justin & Pierre, Emmanuel & Patrick, Droupad & Rahil, Luiz & Jair etc etc and I think you will probably understand what I am trying to say (which puts you one up on me).  If there isn’t a suitable alternative for you (above) it is almost certainly because the political situation is impossibly complicated (yes, Romania, I am looking at you) or I am simply too thick to work it out.  I know where I’d put my money…

PS normal service will almost certainly be resumed…