Social Conscience

1.  EXT.  THE FRONT DOORWAY OF A TERRACED HOUSE.

A VERY SVELTE MAN, WEARING A SUIT THAT COST MORE THAN THE WHOLE NEIGHBOURHOOD HE IS IN AND CARRYING A CLIPBOARD KNOCKS ON A DOOR WHICH IS ANSWERED BY A MORE SOBERLY SUITED MAN WEARING CARPET SLIPPERS AND AN ‘ANGELA RAYNOR’ T-SHIRT UNDER A HAND-KNITTED CARDIGAN.

CLIPBOARD MAN:      Aah, good morning.  I wonder, could I ask you, when was the last time you thought about the less fortunate?

SLIPPERED MAN:        I beg your pardon?

CLIPBOARD MAN:      Well, when did you last worry about poverty in this and other countries?

SLIPPERED MAN:        Look, it’s Sunday.  I don’t have time for all of this religious nonsense.  I’ve got a cat to worm.  Go and ask them next door.  They’ve got an electric car…

CLIPBOARD MAN:      I just wondered if you ever consider the problems of starvation and the human aftermath of war

SLIPPERED MAN:        Not since ‘I’m A Celebrity’ finished, no.

CLIPBOARD MAN:      Well, do you mind me asking, how long is it since you lay awake at night troubled by the plight of those who have to survive on the most basic of state educations?  No tuckshop raids, no institutionalised bullying, no cold showers, no buggery, no guaranteed post in the Foreign Office…  Not certain?  Then perhaps I can interest you in a social conscience.

SLIPPERED MAN:         A what?

CLIPBOARD MAN:      Imagine being able to hold your head up in trendy company.  The centre of attraction rather than a rather tawdry sideshow.  Wouldn’t it be nice if people showed a little interest in what you had to say?

SLIPPERED MAN:        I’ve been captivating audiences with my oratory since I was a child.  When I speak, I’ll have you know, I have the whole of my party in the palm of my hand.

CLIPBOARD MAN:      Well, it’s nice for you that they’ll fit.  Look, our ‘Social Conscience Starter Pack’ comes complete with free membership to that organisation… you know the one, Sting and Bono and Peter Gabriel…   I forget what they’re called, but they do make jolly nice records.  Also, you get a number of collection envelopes and a signed photograph of …  (HE STUDIES THE PHOTO CLOSELY.)  Actually, I think that’s Michael Gove.  You needn’t have that if you don’t want it.  Now, if you’ll just sign here.  (HE HANDS THE CLIPBOARD AND A PEN TO THE SLIPPERED MAN.)

SLIPPERED MAN:         But…

CLIPBOARD MAN:      You can start on your way towards a real social conscience.

SLIPPERED MAN:        I already have a social conscience.

CLIPBOARD MAN:       What?

SLIPPERED MAN:        I said, I already have a social conscience.

CLIPBOARD MAN       Are you sure?  (CONSULTS HIS CLIPBOARD.)  Have you just moved in here?

SLIPPERED MAN;         No

CLIPBOARD MAN:      But this is a Tory neighbourhood.

SLIPPERED MAN:        I am a new kind of Tory.  I went to a (semi) State Grammar School, I was Director of Public Prosecutions, I sometimes go to the local public hostelry and drink a half pint of the filthy brown stuff they drink in there.  I have played darts.  I have played pool.  I have played ‘Shove Crypto currency’.  I have a social conscience all of my own.

CLIPBOARD MAN:      Do you work for any charities?

SLIPPERED MAN:        I am the leader of the Labour Party.    I am a personal friend of Lenny Henry.

CLIPBOARD MAN:      But do you lie awake at night worrying about third world debt?

SLIPPERED MAN:        Only if I’ve eaten too much at a charity dinner and I can’t shift the wind.

CLIPBOARD MAN:      Do you understand the culture of the common man?  What do you think of football for instance?

SLIPPERED MAN:        Oh I love it.  It’s so much better since they’ve got rid of all those noisy people in the silly scarves and hats.  Do you know, if you look through the little glass partition sometimes on match days, there are a couple of dozen people running about in shorts, chasing a ball.  Some kind of working class custom I shouldn’t wonder…

CLIPBOARD MAN:      And do you have any working class friends?

SLIPPERED MAN:         I share a car with two of them almost every day.

CLIPBOARD MAN:       They’ll be your P.A. and your chauffeur then?

SLIPPERED MAN:         Yes, of course.  Salt of the earth, both of them.  One of them lives in a council house I think.  Children go to a state school, big TV, that sort of thing…  Oh yes, I’m a twenty first century politician; not afraid to don the PPE and get close and personal with the common man – and common woman, of course.

CLIPBOARD MAN:       Oh well, bully for you.  Talk about ‘I’m all right, Jack’, what about me?  I’ve got to earn a living, you know.

SLIPPERED MAN:         Have you?  Really?  Doesn’t your wife do that for you?  Why don’t you try selling something that’s just a little more usual: something that’s just a mite more… tangible, perhaps.  Brushes, encyclopaedia, superfast broadband…  something like that?  Different’s o.k. until everything is different.  Then it’s just the same.

CLIPBOARD MAN:       Oh, it’s all right for you with your shiny new social conscience.  You’ve got absolutely nothing to lose.  What about me?  I have a shiny new suit.  Don’t you think that people should have started to understand how important I am?  I have near-perfect teeth.  This hair is all my own.

SLIPPERED MAN:         Honestly, I think you’re taking this whole business a little too seriously.  Lighten up.  Here, you can walk my whippet.

CLIPBOARD MAN:       (TAKES THE PROFFERED DOG LEASH.)  You’re right I suppose – although I’ll deny ever saying so.  I am very lucky to have so many good people behind me.

SLIPPERED MAN:         Like Suella?

CLIPBOARD MAN:       And Shapps.  A godsend.

SLIPPERED MAN:         For me perhaps.  I tell you what, whilst I’m thinking of Braverman and Shapps being behind you, why don’t we bury the hatchet for a little while.  Would you like a cup of tea?

CLIPBOARD MAN:       Yes please.

SLIPPERED MAN:         Come on then, you can tell me all about your future plans.  Does it worry you when people say that you lead without a franchise?

CLIPBOARD MAN       (CRESTFALLEN.)  It was the Truss woman’s fault.  I thought that anyone had to look good after her…

SLIPPERED MAN         (PUTS A COMFORTING HAND AROUND THE CLIPBOARD MAN’S SHOULDER AND LEADS HIM INTO THE HOUSE.)  Come in, perhaps I can give you a few tips.  I followed Corbyn.  By the way, could I interest you in double glazing at all?  How about loft insulation..?

I’m sorry if this all sounds barmy to anyone outside the UK.  Just be assured that it seems just as crazy from here and, be content that, wherever you are in the world, they’re all as bonkers.  Thank goodness they’re in charge, huh?