First Date

You’ve been on dates where conversation was difficult right, and you just seem to lose control over what comes out of your mouth.  I suppose everyone must be like it…

Nervous He:  …Have you ever wondered how bad things must have been before sliced bread?
Nervous She:  What?
Nervous He:  Erm, I popped into the bank on the way here and asked whether they did joint accounts.  They said they did so I gave them a pork loin as deposit…
Nervous She:  Are you ok?  You seem a bit anxious.  You don’t have to entertain me you know…  This is not what you’re always like is it: telling stupid jokes?
Nervous He:  Well, not always.  Only when I’m nervous.
Nervous She:  …Do you think this top is too low?
Nervous He:  It looks great.
Nervous She:  It’s too low…
Nervous He:  Erm, you’re at the Uni?
Nervous She:  Yes.
Nervous He:  So what are you studying?
Nervous She:  Ethics.
Nervous He:  Oh, morality, hedonism and Epicureanism…
Nervous She:  No, Chelmsford, Basildon and Stansted*…  Joking.  Oh God, you’ve got me at it now.
Nervous He:  I never went to university, although I am doing an Open University course at the moment – I’m currently on the Eating baked beans straight from the tin whilst watching Countdown in my underpants module…
Nervous She:  Well you don’t look too bad on it.  Do you work out?
Nervous He:  I’m ok with adding and taking away, but my long division is not so good…
Waitress:  I’m sorry, are you ready to order?
Nervous He:  Oh yes, can I have a pizza Margarita please?
Waitress:  How do you know my name?
Nervous He:  I don’t, it’s just… it’s on the menu…
Waitress:  Calm down, it’s a joke.  Just a little waitress joke…
Nervous He:  Oh right, very good… 
Waitress:  …Look, I know it’s none of my business, but you’re not very good at this are you?
Nervous He:  This?
Waitress:  First date stuff.
Nervous He:  Why would you say that?  You don’t even know me.
Waitress:  No, but I’ve just watched you shred every serviette on the table.
Nervous He:  Ah…  That’s Origami.  I’m a black belt…
Waitress:  Isn’t Origami about folding paper, not turning it into confetti?
Nervous He:  It’s the wrong paper.
Waitress:  I see…  And would you like to order?
Nervous She:  Yes thank you.  I think we’ll share a pizza… and two dry white wines please… better make them big ones…  She’s right, you’re not very good at this by the way.
Nervous He:  Well I don’t get out much.  The last time I found myself talking to a girl I didn’t know, I was on my mate’s Stag Night: a karaoke evening.
Nervous She:  Ah Karaoke: the ancient Japanese art of making a complete tit of yourself.
Nervous He:  What a night it was… 27 different versions of ‘I Will Survive’ – now that’s what I call entertainment.
Nervous She:  I’ve never understood why anybody would want to pay to see somebody who can really sing, when you can watch somebody who really can’t for free…
Nervous He:  …and all with the added frisson of projectile vomiting…  You didn’t order salad…
Nervous She:  Rebellion.  My older sister always tells me to eat more fibre, but what’s the first thing she does when she has a baby?  She stops it eating the carpet…  Anyway, salad isn’t salad anymore is it?  It’s a bowlful of stuff you would put weedkiller on if it sprouted in your garden.  Rocket?  It’s a bloody weed.  Even my rabbit won’t eat Rocket.
Nervous He:  You’re right, if I order a salad, I want lettuce, tomato, cucumber, radishes shaped like roses, little cubes of cheese, a pork pie with a boiled egg running through it… now that’s salad…  Have you seen that sign, ‘Ice Cold Water’?  Isn’t that ice?
Waitress:  One pizza, no costly extras, two glasses of wine and two sachets of ketchup to hide in your handbag and take home.  Can I get you anything else?
Nervous He:  Thank you…  You don’t do pork pie with an egg in do you?
Waitress:  I think we maybe used to… in the nineteen sixties…
Nervous He:  No, that’ll be fine then, thank you.
Nervous She:  Wow!  You handled that so well.  Pretending it never happened is always the best way, I find. 
Nervous He:  Actually, I’m not usually very good at handling ‘situations’…  I went into town just the other day to buy a pressure cooker, but I found it way too stressful…
Nervous She:  Well I went to buy a colander… what a strain…
Nervous He:  Did I ever tell you about the chicken crossing the road?…

*Sorry.  Very English joke.  Chelmsford, Basildon and Stansted are towns in the county of Essex.