Dear Me

A sideways look at age, Colin McQueen - writer, Getting Older, Humour 3 Minutes
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Being a letter from old-age me to the bright young thing I never was…

Dear Colin,

You have reached a fair age, so don’t worry about that strange lump just for now: it is almost certainly a boil.  It will, like an optimistic bubble, burst when you least expect it.  As I sit here composing this letter to you, I am surrounded by relics from my past – your present – and I am filled with… despair.  Pull yourself together for goodness sake!

I am not going to bother you with too much in the way of advice: I remember what you were like – you won’t listen.  Instead I will just try to give you a head’s up to some of the lessons I have learned in my life so far.  In the 23,500 days I have spent on Earth I have discovered much.  Some of it I have remembered…

Over the years you will have times that are not filled with self-doubt, but they will be few and far between.  Enjoy them for what they are: an illusion. 

It is perhaps best that it does not become a habit, but there are times when you should put yourself ahead of others.  Learn to fight back sometimes – it seldom makes things worse.  There are times to fight and times to run; times to state your opinion and times to hold your own counsel; times to interfere and times to hold back:  don’t worry about it – you will never get it right.

Remember that silences do not have to be filled.

As you get older, it is increasingly important that you remain positive.  Nobody likes a depressed codger.

Don’t worry about your looks.  Your nose might feel big today, but by the time you reach sixty it will be completely dwarfed by your ears.  You are not completely ugly – quite a bit, but not completely – girls will like you for who you are.  Eventually they may have sex with you.  This is how they handle pity.

The world got along perfectly well before you came along; it will get along perfectly well after you have gone.  Relax.  You are worth nothing.  Once you reconcile yourself to this fact ironing your shirts will become far less important.

Don’t allow your world to be ruled by envy for those who are more successful than you: there are far too many of them.  Everybody appreciates modesty.  It is far easier to be modest when you have nothing to boast about.

By the time you reach my age the world will have changed beyond all recognition.  It will be filled with things of which you could never dream and for which you will never find a use.  This is called progress.  As you get older you will realise that progress is just a fallacy: the problems persist, it is just the uniforms that change.

You will never stop hating New Year’s Eve.

You will never stop hating Okra.

Although the world may be filled with people you dislike, your life will be filled with people you love and when you reach my age you will realise that it’s all that really matters.  That and chocolate.

One day you will be me and you will find yourself sitting down to write a letter to your own younger self.  If, in the meantime, you actually ever receive this letter, then you will know that time travel really is possible and that there is never any real point in paying for whisky that is anything over twelve years old.  It’s not my fault; talk to Einstein.

For now (and then) anyway, cheers!

From me (and you)

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Published by colinmcqueen

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27 thoughts on “Dear Me”

  1. Chocolate covered Okra? I didn’t know Okra even existed over there. I can’t think when I encountered it but I don’t wish to ever again, in any form. Same thing for liver, especially the way my mum cooked it. The only thing she cooked that she shouldn’t have.

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    1. Lamb’s liver braised slowly with pork sausages, onions cut large or whole shallots, button mushrooms, herbs and a little white wine.. Served with mashed (creamed) potatoes and some lightly steamed greens… Nectar…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The loathsome beast DOES exist over here – it does not even have to common decency to have a different name. Not even chocolate can save it. I’m veggie and I think I’d sooner eat chocolate covered liver.

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  4. If I could write a letter to my younger self, I’d tell my younger self to stand in front of a mirror and punch myself in the face repeatedly. At the same time saying “That’s for the next 60 years you utter cretin!

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    1. Now you’ve got me all confused. Of course like any nosey b*****d, I had to go back and try to count the ninth paragraph! Now does a single or double line count as a paragraph when counting down from the top, or is it simply the multiples that you are counting? I won’t sleep tonight!!!

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      1. I was counting from the tile dow- no, not from the title, from the bottom of the tit- now I’m so confused! The ‘Don’t allow your world’ line/sentence/paragraph is the one I was miscounting on.
        I wouldn’t lose any sleep over anything I wrote anyway…

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  8. Well, I was so hardheaded when I was young that I would not listen even if I showed up in a time machine and hand-delivered the letter myself.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Sound advice, Colin. What it lacks, I will supply.
    *Those mangoes you are eating today hiding in kitchen, your pimples will tell-all tomorrow.
    *No point telling you this guy is an as***le.
    *You will regret that Chilli potato tomorrow morning.
    *Diapers cost more than a drink. Avoid too much alcohol (and save your kidney).

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