Stupid

My wife told me I was stupid and a row ensued:

“Why would you even say such a thing?” I said.
“You always sing The Hokey Cokey while cooking okra.”
“So?”
“You don’t know the words – or the tune – and neither of us eats okra. We have to give it to the cat.”
“We don’t have a cat.”
“I know,” she smiled in triumph. “Even your leftovers are illusionary.”
“I thought you liked my singing.”
“I can just about bear your singing,” she said, “but not your voice. You sound like Ted Ray.”
“Who?”
“You don’t know him. I often see him at the fishmongers.”
“So why is he singing? Does he work there?”
“No, he gives CPR to the sea bass. He told me that if it ever works, they will marry.”
“And you say I’m mad!”
“No, I said you were stupid. Ted is mad, but he’s not stupid. He doesn’t wear a bow tie for a start.”
“Well neither do I.”
“No, but you’d like to.”
She had me there. I had been looking at one that spun round and sprayed water at anyone who came within range, but I decided against it because I couldn’t find a shirt to match.
“Anyway,” I continued, painfully aware that I was sounding pathetically defensive, “what has wearing a bow tie got to do with being stupid?”
“How stupid do you have to be to think that it could possibly be a good idea?”
“Didn’t Albert Einstein wear a bow tie? I’m sure I’ve seen photos of Einstein in a bow tie. Are you suggesting that he was stupid?”
“Sorry, I might have misheard you there, but are you comparing yourself with Einstein?”
“No, but…”
“Good, because that would be really stupid.”
“I’m just suggesting that as an indicator of stupidity, the bow tie is not the most reliable.”
“Say’s the man who only just realised that the moon doesn’t follow him when he’s driving in the car.”
“Yes, well I’m still not fully convinced about that…”
“It’s a celestial body. It’s huge! What makes you think it would follow you?”
“Ok, Mrs Clever, why doesn’t it get smaller when I drive away from it then?”
“It’s a quarter of a million miles away. Travelling the length of our street is hardly likely to make much difference is it?”
“The house looks a lot smaller from over there.”
“The house is not two hundred and thirty odd thousand miles away.”
“Exactly! It would look even smaller if it was.”
“I suppose you think that that the moon has gone out when you can’t see it, don’t you.”
“You have another explanation?”
“Cloud?”
“Not possible. You can’t see cloud when it’s dark, so there’s no way it could hide the moon.”
“…Do you believe in fairies!”
“No!”
“Are you sure?”
“Well… somebody took my teeth when I was younger.”
“You don’t think it might have been your parents?”
“What would they want them for?”
“Ok. I agree, bow ties are not the official test of stupidity.”
“Brilliant! I win! …What is then?”
“Marrying you!”