Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Men, but Were Afraid to Ask

Photo by Robert Zunikoff on Unsplash

Being one myself*, I feel uniquely equipped to answer your questions…

At what age do men reach sexual maturity?

Men do not reach sexual (or indeed any other kind of) maturity.  Men will giggle at the word ‘moist’ until the day they die.  Men will spend hours watching the most dreadful Scandi-detective series if someone at the pub has told them there’s a naked breast in it somewhere.  Take a man into Anne Summers and he will always try the panties on his head.

Why do men insist on wearing clothes that are obviously too tight for them?

Whilst some men believe that by cramming their mid-life bodies into the clothes they wore half a century ago they will look accordingly younger, most simply believe that if they use their bodies to stretch the material, they will no longer have to iron it.

Why don’t men like visiting the doctor?

This is a many-faceted question, which explains why it is not understood by men themselves.  Men perceive illness as weakness.  No man wishes to be seen as weak, unless it is advantageous to be so – eg they are allowed sugar in their tea and a chocolate biscuit to dunk.  Men believe themselves to be immortal: by ignoring illness, they know that it will just go away and they will live forever.  No-one was ever killed by something they did not admit was there.  Well, alright, they were, but they obviously didn’t ignore it hard enough.  Men will happily discuss the state of their bowels with anyone on the bus – but never with a doctor.  Men do not like visiting the doctor because it might involve admitting to an uncomfortable degree of frailty, or possibly the even more uncomfortable exposure of an acreage of flesh that might speak volumes about human decay.  Mostly, men do not like visiting the doctor in case he should turn out to be a she who wants to know something about his sex life.  Men would rather drown than admit to a female doctor that they might have a prostate problem – which is odd, because in most cases, women have much smaller fingers.

Why don’t men like discussing their emotions?

Because, by and large, unless someone drops a peanut in their pint, they don’t have any.

Why are men so regular in their bowel habits?

The daily sojurn behind a locked toilet door is one of life’s few pleasures.  It is something to look forward to, it is healthy and it is sure to get you out of the washing up.  Men with children have been known to read the whole of ‘War and Peace’ at a single sitting if it means not having to go through another game of Hide and Seek.  The simple adage ‘Never get up until you’ve got pins and needles’ is one held dearly by all men.  Generally speaking, men will observe the daily custom of toilet visits whatever the outcome.  Like England batsmen** they do not let failure get in the way of routine.  Given the choice, men would have a more secure lock on the toilet than the front door.

Why are men so bad at keeping secrets?

Secrets require organisation.  Keeping a secret requires a conscious effort that cannot be overridden by the dull ache in a testicle, the desire to poke a hole in the sock with a toe nail or the temptation to wear your wife’s bra as a hat.  Men must be totally focussed in order to keep a secret and will be distracted by uncomfortable underwear, pot noodle or a dog in a hat.  The best way to get a man to keep a secret is to tell them something else.  No man can remember two things at once and so, in an egalitarian frenzy, will forget them both.  

Do men believe in Fairies?

Well, somebody does the cooking and the house work…

Why do men insist on talking all the way through Strictly Come Dancing?

In times of duress – eg whilst watching extremely fit young women in lycra, men in make-up or Tess Daly in something that appears to have been created in order to cover a toilet roll – men are known to gibber.  Although what comes out of the mouth may seen annoyingly coherent – ‘He’ll never get nine if he keeps splaying his feet like that’ or ‘I don’t know how he’s keeping that hat on; it must be nailed to his wig’ – it is actually merely a random string of syllables designed to cover up indifference and the fact that it is him that has just farted and not the dog.

Why do men believe that football is more important than decorating?

Well, it just is, isn’t it?

Why do men insist on meat with every meal?

Man is the hunter.  It is genetically programmed.  Man cannot assert himself by pulling up a carrot.  No man ever felt the adrenalin rush of picking a stick of rhubarb.  No man ever felt empowered by chasing a soft fruit with a sharpened stick.  Ask any man to get the shopping in, adding ‘Get yourself a nice steak while you’re there,’ and he will leave with a spring in his step and an imaginary spear in his hand.  He will return, beaming, some time later with two steaks and no toilet roll.  He will have eaten a pork pie in the car.

Why don’t men like shopping?

Men do like shopping – just not for clothes, things for the house, presents, things that might involve work, furniture or food.  Anything else, no problem.

Do all men become their father?

Yes.  Mostly much sooner than you think.

Why are men so conscious of people watching them eat?

Oh, just me then?  Oh dear…

*A man, that is.

**I use the term advisedly, so that England’s women batters do not get tarred with the same brush.