…The issue of dog fowling has again reared its ugly head in Westhall-cum-Hardy and Len Best (our village vet) has once more asked me to stress that it is not possible to cross a chicken with a dog. Dogs do not lay eggs. Chickens will not fetch your slippers. Please stop locking them in rooms together, they will not play ball (well, the dog might) – and the results are always unfortunate, and often messy.
In his Village Crimewatch feature this week, PC Dunne has asked me to make you all aware of a series of burglaries which have recently taken place in the village and advises that whoever has caught the perpetrator should release them as soon as possible so that they can get medical attention and the dog get its distemper jabs. Remember, nobody wants the press back here again. He has also asked me to inform you that there has been a case of vehicle tampering in the village this week (quite unassociated with the goat tampering featured in last week’s magazine). If whoever has taken the wheel off Mrs Crerrand’s roller skate returns it, in full spinning order, within the next twenty four hours, there will be no police action taken and Tom Crerrand has promised that he will leave the petrol exactly where it is in his garage along with the axe handle and the pitchfork.
On a more cheery note, the vicar, Reverand Sadler, has asked me to remind you all that the Westhall scarecrow festival is due to take place next week and entries must be listed by Sunday. He reminds you all that the festival is intended to be fun for all the family and not an opportunity to see whose creation can cause the most children to wet themselves. Doctor Foulkes has categorically stated that he will not be handing out sleeping pills to the under fives again this year. Also, if you are planning to erect your creation on property that it not your own, please ensure that it does not seep until the week is out.
You are further reminded that the ‘Best Kept Village’ judges are visiting next week. Bribes, we are told, will not be accepted – although there is no reason why they should not be offered. After the popularity of Mrs Charlton’s brownies amongst the male judges last year, she has promised to display them again this year and Perfidia Burns will bake another batch of her autumn muffins as soon as Sid Brennan has harvested whatever it is he is currently growing in his greenhouse. I anticipate a very good vote from the panel again this year and I am certain that if that happens, the cat will find its way safely back to the chairman’s wife within the week.
Finally, Ernie Aston, village postman for the last fifty years has asked me to advise you that his son, Ernie, will be taking over the round from Monday and on that day Ernie (senior) will be holding an auction of all undelivered mail to finance his retirement. As usual, all mail for the neighbouring villages of Lusby-by-Scrotum, Canker and Ulceby-by-Lateral can be found in the beck.
P.S. Don’t forget, it is recycling collection this week. After the unfortunate incident with the widow Perkin’s lodger last month, you are advised to check very carefully exactly what it is permissible put into the bin.
Westhall-cum-Hardy is a village I created long ago for a very dark radio comedy (never produced obv.) which I would, to this day, ideally like to be voiced by the erstwhile Mr Underfelt. It may one day appear as a podcast or possibly more likely, in the fullness of time, as six very long posts in these very pages…