Life is a lesson which, much like nuclear physics, it is almost impossible to learn.
I felt that I needed a break, and now I have taken it. I have done something else and now I am back, doing what I feel – although I am pretty sure that few will agree – I I am probably best at. When I was at school – back in the days of six of the best, free warm milk andReligious Education classes that studied nothing more exotic than Catholicism – it was called Creative Writing or, as I now prefer to call it, writing. If I have a skill – a point, so moot that I do not think it is even open to debate – it lies in my ability to drop words onto a page in a creative way. Not meaningful, not logical and, if I’m honest, seldom entertaining, but definitely creative. For me, spelling is a doddle, syntax is now what syntax has always been, but oh my word, grammar gives me so much trouble. I just love a comma. If there is even the slightest possibility of a pause, I bung one in, I mean, how wrong can it be? In truth, it bothers me that, although I have the warped intelligence to understand almost all of this year’s offside rules, I still can’t figure out a semi-colon. Anyway, the first thing I have learned whilst I have been away is that it really doesn’t matter: a fairy does not die every time I wrongly use a parenthesis (which I do quite often). It might not be right, but as long as the majority of readers can understand it, well, it’s almost fifty years since I stumbled to an almost acceptable ‘O’ level grade, and most of those who told me that I’d never amount to anything are too dead to gloat. If you struggle with my ‘style’ – a definition so loosely applied that its trousers will almost certainly fall down – I apologise. I do try my best. I will try to improve, but I dare not promise.
During the last few weeks I have also learned that nobody wants to listen to me moaning all the time. The more I moan, the less I live, and the less I live, the more I moan. I have grown to realise that nobody cares: they’ve all got quite enough problems of their own. It is ok to wryly raise an eyebrow to the vagaries of life, but only if you’re happy with people pointing at you and calling you a pompous prat. With the possible exception of Roger Moore, nothing good ever came from a raised eyebrow. Sharing a point of view is perfectly valid, as long as you do not believe that it is necessarily the right one. However many people agree with you, there will almost always be more who disagree. Everybody is entitled to an opinion. Everybody else is entitled to oppose it. In the UK we have a specific breed of person* who believes that, as it is their legal right to air their views no matter how caustic they are, they should take every opportunity to do so. They justify this by claiming that they are ‘merely saying what everybody else is thinking’. If they are right, then I think I’d like to move. Probably to another universe.
I have begun to understand that my readers (God bless you!) want absolutely nothing from me but five minutes of entertainment: I do not need to score points or change opinions. Every time I get a comment saying that something I have written has raised a smile, I walk a little taller for the rest of the day.
In the past I have occasionally tried to bring some continuity into my writing with ‘The Writer’s Circle’ and, more recently ‘The Beginner’s A-Z of D.I.Y Subversion’, but I realised that in this way, I can only ever lose readers: nobody ever starts to read from the middle. I toyed with writing an ‘instant novel’ this time around – a single, one-thousand word chapter, once a week for a year and voila! the book is done – until it struck me that at my normal rate of attrition, I would be out of readers by chapter seven, and probably being sued by WordPress for misuse of its platform by week thirteen. Certain characters have reappeared quite successfully in the past (Dinah & Shaw, The Bearded Man, The Men in the Pub and more recently Frankie & Benny) and will continue to do so. They are the kind of characters that I like to write, so they will be back. These random snatches of conversation with no beginning and no end are a joy to write and fit beautifully into my newly found ethos: I like it, I’ll do it, it’s fine.
I live a life that is thankfully devoid of great drama. I’m happy with that. I have no desire to report from my own experience on anything that would cause Huw Edwards to further curl his lip. I do not wish to appear, scowling, on the front page of the local newspaper. Equally, I am more than happy to be able to report on a split fingernail, my confusion with the universe in general, or the thing that I have just found at the back of the sock drawer. Providing I can eke out a thousand words and a joke or two, my life is ripe for the reporting. I have no axe to grind, which is just as well as the last time I actually attempted to use one, I managed to smack myself on the forehead (fortunately with the blunt end) and catapult the piece of wood at which I was aiming, through the greenhouse roof.
Anyway, I’ve taken my break and I am about to return – like Rickets apparently – and all that I am saying, I think – although I can never be sure – is that what you are likely to get from now on, following this brief tarriance and reappraisal of my life is… well, exactly the same as you got before, If I’m honest.
I thought it only fair to warn you.
*The male of this peculiar, preening species is known as ‘Piers Morgan’ and the female as ‘Katie Hopkins’. As I wrote this piece I found that the erstwhile Ms Hopkins’ name was eluding me. I found it by Googling ‘obnoxious opinionated woman’. I’m pretty certain if I tried to, I could bring up Mr Morgan’s name with a single word enquiry. (Actually, I must admit that I have just tried it and it doesn’t work. It does, however, pull up many images that could lead to me losing my seat in parliament.)