The Beginner’s A-Z of D.I.Y Subversion (Communism to Crucifixion)

COMMUNISM     Doctrine that all goods, means of production &c. should be the property of the community.  What a wicked system!  Communism is currently frowned upon by most countries of the world, particularly the communist ones.  It strikes me that the most obvious problem with the communist system is the confusion engendered by the paradox that those who are most doggedly communistic and therefore ardently opposed to all change and liberalisation, both socially and economically, are known as ‘conservatives’ and… actually, now I see that written down, it isn’t actually paradoxical at all, is it?

Most subversives are, nominally at least, Socialist¹ – except when it actually comes down to the principal of sharing things.  The average subversive is more comfortable with a more theoretical observance of Socialist principals, whilst maintaining their shares in BT and the little nest egg in Zimbabwean diamonds.

1. A sort of user-friendly Communism, once much-vaunted in democratic societies, but now largely discarded in favour of personal advancement, capitalist expansionism and unparalleled levels of shoe ownership.  Socialist principles in the UK have been progressively watered down since the Second World War, through the Worker’s Party, The Labour Party, New Labour, New New Labour, and Sir Kier Starmer.

CONFLICT          Struggle, trial of strength.  Oh dear me, no.  No sensible subversive ever gets involved in such a thing: he/she is seldom well enough.  I, myself, have been almost exclusively mentally subversive for six months, due to a heavy cold.  Struggle is a very physical process and, should it become absolutely unavoidable, best left to somebody considerably fitter than yourself.

CONSCIENCE     The complex of ethical and moral principles that controls or inhibits the actions or thoughts of an individual.  E.G. ‘Am I likely to get caught?’

CONSERVATIVE  In politics, one who desires to preserve institutions of his country against change and innovation.  What a wonderful concept.  In Britain, we have a whole party opposed to change and innovation.  The only problem is that, these days, nobody is quite sure which one it is.  Generally, in politics, innovations, such as everybody getting a fair and equal chance in life, are frowned upon.

CONSPIRACY     An evil, unlawful, treacherous, or surreptitious plan formulated in secret by two or more persons.  The most widely known conspiracy in the UK is almost certainly The Gunpowder Plot of 1605.  The conspiracy was to blow up James I and the English parliament on its opening day, November 5^th, in the hope of prompting a great Catholic uprising.  The brother-in-law of Francis Tresham (one of the conspirators) was warned not to attend the ceremony and the plot was subsequently exposed.  Guy Fawkes, a paid mercenary, was captured, tortured and killed, as were most of his co-plotters¹.  The plot back-fired as harsh anti-catholic laws were passed by the shocked establishment and November 5^th became widely known as Guy Fawkes Night (as it had a better ring than Thomas Catesby Night) and the tradition of scaring the living daylights out of the elderly and setting fire to half the neighbourhood, nightly from October 1^st to November 30^th,  began.

1. Robert Catesby, John Wright and Thomas Winter originated the plot and, when Guy Fawkes was captured, they fled to Holbeach House in Staffordshire, where they were killed during a gunfight with the local sheriff and his deputies the very next day, having accidentally ignited their own gunpowder.  Instant karma.

CORRUPT           Make rotten, pervert, make evil.  A common aim of all subversion and politics.  Calling a Right Honourable Member a corrupt politician is a double damnation similar to evil devil, violent war and Michael Gove.  If you believe that two wrongs can make a right, you may feel able to trust a corrupt politician.  I do not, but then I don’t trust Dettol.

How To Corrupt a Politician: Elect him.

COSH                 A bludgeon.  The subversive’s most subtle weapon.

CRISIS                Turning point or decisive moment.  I’m not certain that my interpretation of crisis is quite the same as my Dictionary.  A subversive’s definition of crisis requires just one word – ‘Life’.  Life is crisis, crisis is life.  If I have a crisis it is seldom, if ever, a turning point, it is usually a rabid fear of being found out.

CRUCIFIXION     A form of execution by being nailed or tied to a cross.  Although the Romans did not originate crucifixion, they did use it widely, generally on slaves and despised malefactors.  It would appear that Jesus of Nazareth, who could almost certainly be described as an early subversive were it not for the fact that both his motives and his methods were honest and virtuous, was killed in such a manner, with the intention that his importance was seen to be diminished to that of a common slave – well, that worked didn’t it… 

In order to speed up death, which could be slow and tortuous, the crucified party often had his legs broken.  This was considered merciful by the kind of person who regarded nailing an innocent man to a tree as justice.

As a subversive, you will have little time for religion, but you will have plenty of time to consider whether you are sufficiently committed to your own cause to run the risk of such punishment¹.

1. The answer is ‘No’.

HOMEWORK.

1. Describe in detail, the differences between Capitulate & Collaborate, Chaos & Crisis, Corrupt & Castrate, Capitalist, Communist & Conservative
Or
2. Don’t bother.

© Colin McQueen 2022

N.B. I had intended to see this guide through to Z, but as my already meagre readership appears to have voted with its feet on this particular little strand and headed off into the sunset, The Subversive A-Z will now take what might well become a very protracted break.