I Am Magneto Man

I am searching for space ships.

I have had my second dose of vaccine and I am now, by all accounts, magnetic.  I have seen the videos of people with magnetic arms – absolutely conclusive obviously – and I can’t wait to start attracting fridge magnets.  I have already noticed how easy it is to open the fridge door when there is beer in it.  I don’t eat meat, so I hope that I do not start attracting liver*: I have no desire to become an irresistible target for the lights of some unfortunate ex-creature.  I do eat spinach** but I have yet to find it flying across the kitchen towards my arm.

In fact, upon a second viewing, it would appear that my fear of being attacked by metallic objects is slightly erroneous: as a twice vaccinated person, it would appear that I am magnetic but, crucially, not a magnet: I remain deeply unattractive, yet strangely drawn towards all manner of hi-fi speakers and credit cards.  It would appear that I am now choc-full of computer chip and that is what is attracting the attention of all things magnetic.  Bill Gates, I am told, is hoping to monitor my movements 24/7.  I can only wish him luck.  If I do anything at all exciting, perhaps he would be good enough to wake me up and tell me about it.  As we are all aware, Mr Gates is actually responsible for all of the evil in the world and, therefore, it stands to reason that he is able to access the entire world’s stockpile of vaccine in order to place an invisible chip into every phial.  It is not far-fetched at all.  For a man who cannot get my laptop to update without crashing, it all seems perfectly feasible.

It also makes perfect sense for us all to be Bluetooth enabled – apparently if you check your phone after vaccination, you will appear on the list of available devices – as we can then all fail to connect to the matrix by which we are all being subsumed.  This is not such a big deal as – if we set aside the obvious fact that Covid does not actually exist but is merely a rumour spread about by the erstwhile Mr Gates in order to render all of the world’s arms available for chipping – we are all set to become 5G phone masts.  What we are actually catching is not a virus, but a phone signal***.  Every time that we cough, some poor, unfortunate tele-sales operative is cut off.  (There, that makes it all worthwhile, doesn’t it?)  Think of the brain-freeze that you experience from time to time as buffering and you will realise that 5G may not be all that it is cracked up to be.  Just in case you are tempted not to be convinced by the 5G theory, let me tell you that it is expounded by none other than the human fountain of truth that is David Icke and, well, I bet you feel a bit silly for not believing it now, don’t you?

It seems to me obvious that there is actually just one evil genius behind this entire pandemic and that is Stan Lee – rumoured to have died in 2018, but be honest, have any of you actually seen his body?  There can be little doubt that what he is trying to do to us through this false pandemic/vaccine regime is to create a planet full of magnetic beings with modified DNA, able to both transmit and receive messages and video (without adverts for an additional fee) to and from every other similarly modified living being, through the matrix of all things to which we have been joined.  (I am currently trying, not entirely successfully, to persuade my washing machine to undertake the laundry for me, simply through the power of thought, although it is currently refusing to pick up my pants if I have not put them in the basket.)  We have all become members of The Avengers and, with a planet full of magnets, we should not be surprised if we soon begin to attract all kinds of interplanetary craft.

I am ready for them…

*Offal is, apparently, incredibly high in iron.  I guess that also means that my own liver (the poor, beleaguered beast) is similarly high in the kind of metal that will ensure that it is desperate to be in intimate contact with my forearm – obviously full justification for the claim that Pfizer makes you ‘walk funny’.

** Similarly high in iron – although nothing explains why a three hundred weight sack of spinach reduces down to one teaspoonful of emerald mush plus a bathful of green water when cooked.  However, I have seen how Popeye attracts ships’ anchors after eating it so, you know…

***I have also just read, on a very reliable source (the internet) that the Spanish Flu was not actually responsible for the deaths of over 50 million people in the years following the First World War.  That extraordinary number of people did die, but they were actually killed by the vaccine which was developed by who-knows-who and despite the fact that nobody realised that they were attempting to treat a virus, which didn’t even exist!!  Let’s face it, it is entirely plausible that the entire global conflict was just a rumour, put about by a proto-Bill Gates, in order to cover up this entire, dastardly anti-vax farrago.  No wonder everyone was given a gas mask for the second lot: who knows what they might have tried to cure by then?

N.B.  Just in case anybody is in any doubt, THIS IS A SPOOF!  I have had both doses of my vaccine and I urge you to do the same.  The only change in me is that I feel happier that we may be moving towards an end to all of this and that the world may, one day, return to normal – although, if I’m honest, that entire concept is far more likely to be a figment of somebody’s imagination…

45 thoughts on “I Am Magneto Man

  1. Sadly, the whole magnetic jab malarkey is true. I have been unable to let go of a small saucepan for the last three days. In town today, people thought that I was begging due to the constant shaking of my hand whilst trying to dislodge the pan. On the upside, I managed to collect nine pounds and seventy eight pence. Half of which I have been instructed will need to be donated to the Bill Gates Foundation… Isn’t life strange sometimes?

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  2. I was right on board till I read ‘This is a spoof!’ Its all true- my wife has had her second dose, and she looks like my wife, she talks like my wife but the little nagging doubts (and voices) tell me she has changed. Plus the bar code on her the back of her neck’s a dead giveaway.
    God, the innernet- where is the fine line between Free Speech and Bat Shit Paranoia?

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      1. lol. If they had stories similar to ours, “I Was zzzbigfoot’s Love Slave” or “3,000 Year Old Mummy Gives Birth To Baby Boy” she probably had a lot to ‘tut’ over.

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      1. I got hit by a car in a car park a couple of years ago. It hit me on a path whilst driving out through an exit that wasn’t there. I bounced off the bonnet, into the windscreen and through a hedge. When I picked myself up I found a crying mum driving and two screaming kids in the back. I had to calm them all down. Driver just kept repeating ‘I didn’t see you’ which was good because I can’t think what sort of driver hits someone they have seen. She didn’t get out of the car. I felt ok so I went off to join my family and she drove away. Next day I could not find an unbruised part of my body. Suddenly you realise how fragile you are. Pleased you are unmarked. Nose looks great on Google Earth! 😉


      2. There’s always the gaps in the hedges. I’ve planted a few fruity numbers in hedges. for future freegan foragers to find (wow that’s got a lot of F words in that sentence).

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      3. Silly o’ sod that I am, as we were passing Northampton a while back, I just had to park around the side of the building, climbed over the wall and give it a big hug. 🌳

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      4. Oh and glad you got to walk away too, otherwise we wouldn’t be having this chitchat now or would we in another dimention (drats and double drats, for now O’Brien and timewarp just plonked itself into my thoughts).

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  3. If I am now a magnet It should mean that i attract. Or I am attractive. I must therefore conclude that if I am all that attractive that girls should be breaking down my door to get apiece of me. This has not happened and i am in fact as ugly as ever. Bill must have missed that vial.
    Keep Laughing! Someone may be watching

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  4. Hey Colin! Congratulations on your vaccination. Let me know once you catch a spaceship. I’ve been dying to get inside one for an year now. Anything is better than being stuck inside the same house with the same faces day in day out. Not sure why they are not abducting me. I’ll prove to be a wealth of information about zoological life around earth, and I’ll tell tall tales too…

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