If you see a nervous llama
Try your best not to alarm her
You will find she’ll stay much calmer
If you prove you wouldn’t harm her.
The easiest thing that you can do
Is stick your elbows down with glue.
Hop along upon one leg,
Block your nose up with a peg.
If you feel she’s still not right
Paint your toes and fingers white.
Lay a penguin on your belly
Stand all night in a bowl of jelly.
Should you find she’s still upset
You could wear your trousers wet;
Fill your shoes with frozen peas,
Lay a fish across your knees.
If, by now, she hasn’t cheered
Buy yourself a plastic beard,
Pretend to be a garden gnome,
Then pack her bags and send her home.
You know what it’s like: you know exactly where you’re going and, confident of your ability to arrive at the predicted destination, you take your eye off the ball for just a second and end up down quite a different alley. This came about because last week, whilst writing about a camel, I happened to notice that a hybrid camel/llama existed and it was called a Cama. (Although, if zoologists had any soul, it would surely have been a Calmer.) Anyway, the point it, this could only occur in the zoo: a helping hand was surely required. For a start, the llama comes from South America whilst the camel does not. Also the size difference between the male camel (in this instance) and the female llama would seem to provide what I can only describe as an insurmountable problem for the two amorous beasties. I can see little prospect of this union occurring naturally without severe damage occurring to at least one of them. (We can all guess which one – even more so if the resulting Cama was to take after his/her father in the birth-weight department.) “Oh yes, young ‘miss you-know-best llama’ would be regretting the additional gin and lime then, wouldn’t she? It’s one thing enjoying a night out, but quite another when you find yourself waking up beside an entirely different species…” (“Why grandma, what a big mouth you have – also a very small brain.”) Anyway, this was supposed to be about a llama but, inadvertently became about a cama and, for no better reason than it sounded like it should be less agitated, it found itself here…