“Good afternoon everyone and welcome to today’s tour. A word of warning before we start, please be careful as you walk along; it is a little slippy underfoot and the walls can be a little wonky. And please, please all try to keep together, it is very easy to get lost in here, even if you think you know where you are going. There are many, many dead-ends and cul-de-sacs dotted around – you may even find a lost marble or two in there as you rummage around – but it is very easy to become disorientated. If you should find that you have become separated from the rest of the party and you are unable to navigate yourself back to where you should be, please remain calm; after all, what is the worst that could happen? Well, yes, there is that, of course… so try not to get divorced from the rest of the party and, should you inadvertently find yourself alone, in surroundings that you do not recognize I would probably recommend screaming. It’s always worked for me when I’ve needed to attract attention – especially in the shoe shop. I always find that the foetal ball is a very calming position.
So, if you’re all ready, I think we can move on. If you could just extinguish the torch sir, I really don’t think you’ll want to see where you’re going: it’s very messy in there. Ok, here we are in the bit that receives all the information from the eyes and ears – or as we know it, the seeing and hearing bit. You will notice that everything that comes in here appears to be skewed, just a tiny bit, off-centre. There are two reasons for this: one is that he has not been able to get his eyes tested during Lockdown and the other is that his hat is too tight. Also, he has to try very hard not to wrinkle his brow, because his earpods fall out. To the rear of us, through the door that looks like a rather unpleasant warty growth (Well yes sir, now that you mention it, I can see Michael Gove – although I rather wish that I couldn’t.) is the bit that makes sense of it all. Unfortunately we can’t go in there, because it’s shut at the moment. Something to do with Jack Daniels I believe.
Through the little gap there that looks uncomfortably like a haemorrhoid, we have the ‘taste’ centre – obviously out of use at the moment, as it has been since he turned seventeen – and just behind that – yes, now that you mention it, it does, although only when you tilt your head a little – is the bit where smells are sorted and attached to memories. No, no, I’m afraid we can’t go in there at the moment because there has been a bit of an incident with a glue stick and a trip to the zoo. They’re all very busy in there.
Now, if you will all just be careful where you tread here, we are now crossing the ego. It is very delicate and does have a tendency to self-absorb, so just watch your feet: one wrong step here and the neurons in the ‘perspective’ department will be on overtime for a month. It’s like crocheting with wet tissue paper trying to put that thing together. Yes, yes, it does look a little swollen doesn’t it? I’ll get ‘reality’ in to give it a bit of a check over. And now, finally, here is the bit where the magic happens – currently shut for renovation I’m afraid and, yes, before you mention it sir, it does look a little like a sow’s ear, but we are working on it…”