Learning to Roll the Right Way

white toilet paper

I am no longer chastised for not changing the toilet roll when it is empty. Indeed, so assiduous have I become in my dispenser reloading that I now often change the roll before it has reached its full potential (cardboard tube) and I have to search for somewhere to put it until it has run out. In fact, my greatest concern these days is whether I’m hanging the roll the wrong way round. (I have no idea what constitutes the right way round and I am certainly not about to ask.) In twenty years (should I live that long) it will become an art I have mastered.

My brain has great difficulty in accommodating the mundane. In fact, the more routinely an act is performed, the less my grey matter can be bothered with it. Consequently, actions that should become routine take forever to become engrained. Once they do, however, I am able to stop doing them only by sheer force of will.

Now, I have spent most of my life as ‘class clown’ – I am aware that most people grow out of that before they leave school, but it never quite happened for me. My brain has become so accustomed to the smart-arse remark that I often cannot help myself. Don’t get me wrong, I do have a filter that stops me being rude, offensive or inconsiderate, but it doesn’t seem to work so well when confronted with the right thing/wrong time conundrum: something said triggers a response that would be perfectly acceptable at any time, other than a funeral…

What has brought this all home to me at this particular time was that the other day a fellow blogger and first time reader was kind enough to spare the time to post a comment to say that he had enjoyed my most recent post. I replied in my normal flippant manner, and regretted it immediately. I realised, the very second that I pressed the ‘send’ button, that it was not the correct response. The correct response was, of course, as you will know, ‘Thank you very much,’ but I couldn’t resist the joke. I thought it would raise a smile, but instead, what it probably raised was hackles. What I need to do is wait a second. This is a lesson that I have to learn and I cannot wait for endless repetition to sort it out.

I have considered putting a disclaimer at the foot of each post: ‘I’m sorry if I offended you – I didn’t mean to.’ But I don’t think I’m actually offensive, just stupid: socially inadequate. In truth, I am the butt of most of my own jokes, but I feel guilty about that as well as I’m such an easy target. Like a big game hunter who only shoots sloths, I can’t help thinking I should take on something a little more challenging. Something that will at least attempt to move whilst the gun is being reloaded.

Anyway, you must excuse me, I return to the toilet. What I do there is I tell myself each time I go in, before I go in, ‘Don’t forget, if the toilet roll is empty, then change it before you come out.’ It seems to work. I prime myself before entry and, somehow, I do not then forget. It is what I must do before I open ‘comments’: ‘Remember, be polite before you try to be funny.’ I’m sure that even I can manage that – at least on initial contact. So, my only problem now is that although I will almost certainly remember to think before I reply, I could well still manage to do it the wrong way…


P.S. If you want to comment, I would love to hear from you.  I promise I will be very polite…

3 thoughts on “Learning to Roll the Right Way

  1. Argh! Making dumb jokes and then realising that they’re rude/ the person won’t get it/ the joke makes no sense anyway is the bane of my life. I always realise two minutes later and then have to go back and explain. The reaction is either ‘Oh I assumed you were joking, I never take you seriously’ (phew) or an affronted stare and awkward silence and that’s it, I know I’ll never be forgiven.

    I need one of those medical cards that I can hand out in an emergency: THIS PERSON HAS A CONDITION THAT CAUSES THEM TO SAY STUPID THINGS BELIEVING THEM TO BE FUNNY, PLEASE BE PATIENT.

    The plus side is I never take offence, I just assume the other person is as childish and inept as me. I’ve probably missed loads of insults as a result.

    Anyway, your blog has made me chuckle with recognition, so thank you for that!

    Liked by 1 person

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